divine angst

worker bees have no authority. what do i mean by authority? merriam-webster online says:

“2 a: power to influence or command thought, opinion, or behavior b: freedom granted by one in authority.”

i have none of that. i do not influence anything, except where i know something about technology that my boss does not. i have no decision-making power. i am given materials created by someone who presumably has more knowledge than i do, told to develop said materials (conforming always to house style), and then, am often told my choices of display or organization are not appropriate, and could i please just change them to this other way? who decides the other way? someone with authority. what do i not have? freedom to make my own decisions granted by that someone in authority.

an appellate lawyer i know insists that she, too, is a worker bee. i doubt her definition of worker bee matches mine, since she’s never actually worked in any sort of administrative or development position. i am sure she has policies to uphold, firm procedures to follow, and directions to adhere to. but when she is given a client, she is their lawyer and she has some freedom to direct the firm’s services to that individual.

not my definition of worker bee.

…that i’ve been out of school for several years, working in jobs i
thought were moving me in one career path, only to discover that i
don’t really want to be on that particular road.

see, lawyers may be big in the personality department, but nothing is
worse than working with actors, directors, artists, or bureaucrats.

oh, and i don’t want to be a worker bee.

I am trying desperately to keep my mind off of this whole life change. I have work to do in my job, things at my house that need to be fixed, laundry that’s piling up, dishes that are dirty, and a husband who is clearly getting frustrated with my inability to think of anything but law school. I take the preoccupation as a good sign, a sign that I am actually meant to do this thing. But my productivity is seriously lagging. I need some focus.