divine angst

There’s something about men and smells—as E. Spat will tell you.

When I was in junior high, all the boys wore Eternity. All of them—the beautiful, the not beautiful, the fun, the goofy. It didn’t matter who wore it, though—Eternity was the most beautiful smell in the whole wide world. And because I was that age, Eternity has always reminded me of that time in my life, when the whole world was in front of me, when everything was bursting with promise.

For years, I couldn’t walk through the perfume section of a department store without blushing, because it always evoked youth, teenage crushes, and that exciting rush of adrenaline. I even (and I’m a little embarrased to say this) used to carry around the “scent cards” they give out at the store in my purse so whenever I’d open my purse, I could smell that smell.

I know scientists say now that smell is the sense most linked to memory, and it’s absolutely true.

I think I may stop by the mall this weekend and pick up a scent card.

Thanks, E. Spat, for brightening up my mood.

Law school admissions people appear to be on vacation, leaving me no company but my own overactive imagination. What if what if what if?

What if I get in here but not there? What if Mr. Angst wants to go not here but there? How are these decisions made? How do we pay for it? How do we live and eat?

I spend a lot of time lately with that rock in the pit of my gut, and it’s weighing me down and making my stomach hurt. All the things I’d rather think about—finishing Book #2, making Valentine’s Day dinner, picking out a new swimsuit for the destination wedding we’re going to in April—are overshadowed by a great cloud of uncertainty. How can I buy lobster tail and new clothes when I don’t know how much debt I’ll be in in twelve months? How can I read when I don’t know what school I’m going to next year?

Part of me wants to laugh at how absurd this thought process is. But I can’t even really laugh right now. If I can just get through the next three months, I’m pretty sure I’ll make it. I just don’t know exactly how that’s going to work. And I suspect I may have an ulcer to show for it.

I keep reading articles about people being dooced (fired for their blogs or websites). My gut reaction to this sudden “hot story” is:

If you work for a company or institution that might get peeved about the things you say on your website, don’t say them on your website. Go to a message board to rant anonymously if you must rant online. Or make friends you don’t work with and rant to them. But if you think your company will get even the littlest bit upset about what you’re writing, don’t write it.

People have been fired for much less significant things, my friends. I have a friend who was fired because she mentioned to a coworker at happy hour that she was thinking of updating her resume and looking for something more inline with her college degree. Next day at work, her boss threw her out of the building—and then contested the unemployment claim. So there.

Yes, if I blog on my own time, my company does not have the right to make me stop writing. But that’s not really germane. The only thing that matters is that they don’t have to keep me on.

This is one of the reasons I don’t blog about my job. The other reason, of course, is that my job is not my life. I have other things to write about. Someday, maybe, my job will become my main focus because it will be a career and integral to my identity. But then, my blogging would probably be less snarky and more serious.

I don’t really know where this post is going. I guess I’m just astonished at the righteous outrage out there about this “new” phenomenon. If you say nasty things about your employer behind their back, and it gets out (and it always does, always), you can expect to at least be reprimanded. So if you fear the ax, don’t put your neck under it. Remember that anonymity online is a very thin curtain. It can always be torn down by someone with enough perseverance.

Yesterday, I had four Gmail invites.

Today I have 50. Like E. McPan, I’m not sure I have 50 friends. Anyone want Gmail? Who doesn’t already have it?

Help?