divine angst

So I wrote yesterday a few things about the decision-making process:

I wish there were strong, important reasons to go to one place or the other—and that my inner self could admit that the other option was just a pipe dream. But I can’t.

Yeah. I was wrong about that. About the strong, important reasons to go one place over the other, that is. All along, there have been strong, important reasons for us to go to one of our cities over the other.

Think about it this way: I’ve been trying to choose between English Cheddar or Wisconsin Cheddar while Mr. Angst has been deciding between Kraft Slices and Wisconsin Cheddar. In other words, my choices are close. His are not. And I’d been losing sight of that. I think I’ve been trying to convince myself that his Kraft Slices were slices of deli Cheddar. Sure, sometimes Kraft Slices have their place—but not when you’re craving the real stuff.

OK. Maybe I extended the metaphor too far. Basically, I know I can get a good job no matter which school I go to. Chances are I can get on a journal at either school, land a clerkship, and get something published. My choice is one of small degrees of prestige. Mr. Angst’s choice is not—his is between a night program for working professionals or a true, academic program with opportunities for research and lab work.

All this to say that we’ve pretty much made our decision. Pretty much? OK. We HAVE made our decision. We’re not closing any doors quite right now—I’m not sending any withdrawals yet—but we’re not propping them open any more either.

Sometime in the next week or so, I’ll go ahead and accept my scholarship and, before we leave for our Caribbean cruise, I’ll send a seat deposit. If things should dramatically change between now and the end of the month, we can always forfeit that money. But I suspect this decision will be the final one.

I feel a little sad—I wrote about seeing the two prospective futures and wondering which one we’d embrace. Turning away from one of them is a kind of loss. Of course, at the same time, it makes the other path possible. And having a path to follow is a relief.