divine angst

It’s April 1.

We have not decided where we’re moving next year. I suppose this should make me anxious, but I just can’t muster up the energy for that.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what will happen this fall. I imagine myself in either place, living in either city, meeting new people, spending time with old friends, and yet none of my daydreams have swayed me in one direction or the other.

I think at this point that I’m stuck right in the middle. If I was single, maybe I wouldn’t be stuck in the middle, but as one half of a student couple, I could go either way. I wish that weren’t the case. I wish there were strong, important reasons to go to one place or the other—and that my inner self could admit that the other option was just a pipe dream. But I can’t.

So I guess I’m saying that nothing has changed. Deep down inside I know I’ll end up in the “right” place. How do I know that? Because both choices are so good that neither one can be bad! My mom keeps telling me we’ll end up where we’re “meant to be.” I don’t know what that means. I think it’s possible we’re “meant to be” in both places—that either decision would be the right one, in other words.

Somewhere out there is a choice. Eventually, we’re going to stumble upon it and that will be that. Until then, though, it’s a toss up. I look into my future and I see both of them stretching before us. Both futures are bright, both are happy, both are successful. Which one becomes reality, though….I can’t see that.