divine angst

From the, um, boy and girl at BTQ:

1. James Bond or Austin Powers?

James Bond all the way. Look, Austin is funny, but he grates. For a while, he’s a sympathetic character and then he goes too far and gets annoying. That’s not to say that I didn’t often think Roger Moore needed someone to rescue him from his line readings, but God knows Sean Connery always did it well. (And by “it” I mean anything.) And Pierce Brosnan also does suave know-it-all like nobody’s business. Bond, James Bond, all the way.

2. What is the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for someone?

Mr. Angst and I had been dating for about six months. He always likes to carry a handkerchief, but the ones he had were boring—like the kind you buy off the shelf at Penney’s. So I bought him a pack of monogrammed linen handkerchiefs. No particular occasion, it just occured to me that he should have new handkerchiefs with his initials. He still carries them.

3. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie. Her actual favorite movie is?

I believe it is this.

4. What is the perfect rock-and-roll song?

I don’t know, but I believe this is the perfect country and western song.

5. So what really happened to Milbarge?

None of us know this, but several years ago, Milbarge signed on as a sleeper for the CIA. He figured it was just a way to pay off his undergraduate loans, and was certain he’d never be called on. After all, his sleeper identity was a roller derby coach, and how many international terrorist plots involve hot chicks on skates? (Of course, deep down inside, Milbarge always hoped he would get called up, just for the hot chicks on skates.)

And that’s exactly what happened. Homeland Security caught whiff of a nefarious plan. Under the auspices of an international roller derby league, a Chinese roller derby team (really, rejected ex-gymnasts) convinced a group of badass American, Catholic-schoolgirl-skirted skaters to smuggle them into the country. The Americans thought they were helping a group of repressed women, but the Chinese were actually using the Americans to get into the US so they could corner the world gymnastics coaching market.

And that’s where Milbarge comes in. With only a few weeks before the big USA v. China roller derby match, the CIA needed him right away. Milbarge came straggling home from work late on March 31 to find two guys who looked like Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones sitting in his darkened living room. They told him to pack up and report at his new station in 24 hours. He was to present himself at the American Roller Derby Training Rink immediately. He’d be posing as the team’s new coach. All the details were arranged—even his judge had been told he had a family emergency involving the death of a family pet in an industrial accident. Milbarge accepted his orders and relocated across the country.

So Milbarge is out there, somewhere, sneaking a few minutes of Internet access a day to post the occasional comment—but he can’t blog anymore. It’s against his sleeper agreement. The Chinese are due to arrive in the next two weeks, at which point Milbarge has to turn them, so they’ll coach only the US gymnastics team. If he fails, we’ll never hear from him again. If he succeeds, he’ll be back before the World Series.

Good luck, Milbarge! God bless America!