divine angst

Eugene Volokh asks women who did so why they changed their names when they got married. Unfortunately, comments still aren’t open on his post, so I’ll answer here. (More discussion can be found at Prawfsblawg.)

I changed my name when I was married. It was what was expected of me *(Ed’s note: by my family, not by Mr. Angst), though I also suspect my family wouldn’t have been all that surprised if I’d kept my name.

I think there are some very good, valid reasons to keep one’s maiden name when getting married, the primary one being keeping one’s professional identity intact. If, for instance, a woman has published extensively under her maiden name, keeping that name is probably prudent for her career. But beyond that, what is the great distinction between keeping your father’s name and taking your husband’s name? If it’s important to you, don’t change your name, but be able to express why. Nothing is more irksome than a 21-year old bride saying she’s keeping her name because “it’s just so chauvanistic for any man to expect me to take his name.” That argument just doesn’t hold water with me, particularly given her name is, again, quite likely her father’s.

My eventual decision to change my name was really rooted in the institution of marriage itself. Why bother getting married? What is the purpose? Beyond the tax and legal benefits, marriage is an opportunity for two people to stand up and publicly say, “Hey, I’d like to be linked to this person forever.” I changed my name because it was another aspect of that public statement. “See,” I said, “I am linked to this person forever, and we have shared vows and rings and now we share a name. This is a sign of our union.”

I admit, I was hesitant. I like my maiden name. It’s unique. It’s not common. In this part of the country, the only people with my last name are people I am related to, and there’s something very touching about meeting someone who finds out your name and then tells you how much he enjoyed your aunt’s English class, 20 years ago, when he was in high school. Names hold a lot of connections.

But names aren’t just connections to our pasts, they shape our futures. And as a symbol, changing your name is pretty powerful, both for outsiders and for yourself. It’s a symbol of the change implicit in marriage. Yes, yes, Mr. Angst didn’t have to change his name—so what? Just because there’s not parity doesn’t mean the custom is without merit.