divine angst

Are big weddings self-indulgent?

That’s a question that’s been floating around the blogosphere lately, starting with a post by Ann Althouse, and picked up by Amber Taylor and Christine Hurt at Conglomerate.

I’ve been to 15 weddings in the last three and a half years (one of them mine) and have two weddings to attend this summer. I can honestly say I found none of them self-indulgent, at least not entirely so.

I myself had a biggish wedding. We had a seated dinner and an open bar and a big cake and champagne for everyone. My family helped pay for it. And I had an acquaintance tell me to my face that she though it was a waste of money: “If I had that kind of cash, I’d want to live in it, not throw a party!”

Could we have used that money for something else? Absolutely. Would my family have given me that money to use for something else? Not a chance. As far as my family was concerned, that money was earmarked for a party—a big, fun party where all of our relatives and friends could gather and have a good time. So that’s what we did. And I do not regret it.

Self-indulgence is a tricky thing to define. Most big, lavish weddings are the product of their social milieu. The runaway bride and her 14 bridesmaids might seem a bit over the top to people who aren’t used to that. I personally shudder to think about the logistics required to arrange a bridal party of 14 women. But it’s not really for me to say that the size of the wedding party is a clear indicator of self-indulgence! Has anyone wondered what her family said? Isn’t it likely that they were encouraging her to have everyone she wanted in the wedding party? Is it possible her family said, “Hey, we’re excited for you and think you have made a wonderful choice in this man you are going to marry, so we want you to have the biggest and best wedding we can afford!” (Isn’t it also possible that she got freaked out by all the pressure her family and social circle were putting on her and her fiance by throwing this extravaganza, and that’s why she took off? Not that she was necessarily right to do it, but it seems more logical that she’d freak out over an event she felt she had no control over rather than one that she orchestrated carefully from beginning to end. Just because she is 32 doesn’t mean her family might not still have that sort of power over her.)

Weddings are usually planned in accordance with what is acceptable, socially, for the couple. Some people have the money to afford big weddings. It’s unfair, though, to paint all big, lavish weddings as self-indulgent. Is a fancy dinner in honor of some dignitary self-indulgent? What about anniversary parties? Or holiday parties? Why shouldn’t a wedding be marked with a big, lavish party—if that’s what the bride and groom want, can afford, and what the guests will find appropriate.

I guess that last point is the key one I’m trying to make. Maybe there are some people who would never find a big, lavish wedding appropriate (and might feel put upon to be invited to one). No one should feel put upon by a wedding invitation—either by the venue, the requested attire, or the registry list. And no bride or groom should plan an event that will make their guests uncomfortable. None of the 15 weddings I’ve been to in the last three and a half years have made me feel either put upon OR uncomfortable, thank God. Some were big and lavish, some were relaxed and informal, and at least two were destination weddings, where we got the chance to take a vacation as well as participate in a very special moment for the bride and groom.

So is a big wedding intrinsically self-indugent? No. None of us can say with any certainty why any given wedding is as lavish as it is. All we can do is reflect on why we were invited and whether or not we want to attend. (And for the sake of civility, please quit proclaiming that someone’s choice of event is “tacky,” “over-the-top,” or “an onerous display of conspicuous consumption.” If you weren’t invited, you don’t know if it truly will be any of those things. If you get there and it is all of those things, by all means, disparage that event, remembering that, of course, for someone, it’s a very special day, and you might be seated right behind that person as you make that comment.)

(One final note: If you find a given wedding boring, you can blame the bride or groom or their parents or the wedding coordinator. But you might also consider this: perhaps it’s boring because it’s not the kind of party you’re really into. Or perhaps the party will be really fun but you know you won’t have a good time because you won’t know anyone except the bride and groom and you aren’t allowed to bring a guest. There are a lot of factors that will make a wedding boring for some percentage of guests. That is a fact. It is also a fact that, no matter how hard the bride/groom/wedding coordinator works to make the wedding fun, someone will not have a good time.)