September 16th, 2005
a few reflections
Tonight, Mr. Angst and I walked in the rain, side by side, arms around each other.
So we could fit under the umbrella, of course.
We went to Bar Review. We were joined by a friend from Our Old City who is in town for a conference. I felt very at home for a while tonight, sitting at a table in the corner of the bar, talking about football and people we know, looking at pictures of his kid, and listening to his own law school stories. Things felt right.
Which is not to say that Our New City™ is not a wonderful place. I love this city. Our friend even said that, the more time he spends here, the more he likes this place. No, it’s not where we are now. It’s that we’ve left behind so much.
I don’t regret this; I never regret it. I haven’t had a regretful moment since we got here. But I can miss what we had. I can miss the ease of Our Old City. I can miss knowing what places to go to and how to get there. I can miss calling up friends to meet me for happy hour at the drop of a hat (though that wasn’t a frequent thing, I knew I the possibility was out there).
And I do. Look, life isn’t just about the good moments. It’s not just about feeling at home and comfortable and happy. It’s also about feeling lost and sad and regretful. I’m glad I don’t feel regretful. But sometimes I do feel lost and sad, and tonight is one of those times. In my mind, I see what I could be doing right now, and that picture is a good picture. It’s not bad that I’m doing something else, but the sadness of What Might Have Been is still there, lurking under the surface
comments
I wonder if maybe it’s good that there’s a hint of melancholia in your happiness. Perhaps it means that you had a good life and lots of happiness before law school. Because your life is now different, I think it’s understandable to miss what was comfortable and familiar even as you enjoy the new life you’re making.
But when you want to call someone for happy hour, you can always keep me in mind.
The Peninsula is reputed to make the best cosmos in town. Just so you know.
Thanks, Citations. That made my morning. (My slightly hungover morning.)
I’ve lived all over the country, and the 25-mile move I made from downtown to out the country has been the toughest for me in over 15 years. I still see my old neighborhood at least once a week, but I miss the ready access to my friends and favorite places. I also am not a huge fan of the fact that my area is “family central” filled with nothing but couples with 2-4 young children, while I’m used to a certain level of debauchery. Oh well, the only constant is change.
I think that Citations has it exactly right. And, over time, Our New City will become Our Old City as new friendships are developed — and more walks arm in arm in the rain are taken.
I am also a 1L at a school 14 hours (by car) from my Old City. I do get sad and overwhelmed and doubtful sometimes, and I appreciate your thoughts about this. It IS good to feel this way - it’s a challenge, this is something new - and you ultimately learn more when you put yourself into difficult situations. I think we just have to stick it out and things get easier. Thanks for this entry.