Law school is new.
School is a little different after so many years out. This first week, I’ve had too many moments of feeling like a visitor on campus, too many instances of sitting in class feeling like I’m auditing.
I feel limbo-like, as if I’m still sort of walking through a dream. And every day, classes get more complicated. I’m spiralling downward—I was confident and excited the first day, less so the second, and, halfway through the third, I started to feel lost in certain places.
Yet, so far, I’ve found almost everything really interesting. I had some pre-law school jitters and doubts, but they’ve dissipated: this is definitely the right path for me. Still, I’m growing more and more worried that I have no idea how to be a student after all this time.
Law school is probably not going to be fun.
Every educational experience I’ve had has been fun, to a certain extent. Not summer camp fun, but always something I looked (mostly) forward to each day. I think in three years I’ll look back on law school the same way, but looking forward four months, I see a dark period where I may hate school, reading, writing, learning, and everything associated with being a student. And I have this glimpse of the dark future after only four days of class!
Law school is hard.
When I say I’m afraid I don’t know how to be a student anymore, it’s because what I thought was my innate ability to latch onto the most important bit of a reading assignment seems to have failed me. Utterly. My classes Wednesday were pretty depressing. I found myself calling everything I thought I knew about myself into question. Everyone seems smarter than me. Everyone seems to have grasped that really obscure point in the reading except me. Everyone seems to be following that convoluted logic spewing forth from our Civ Pro professor—except me.
I know that none of this is true. (Well, I don’t know that my classmates aren’t smarter than me, but at least I don’t think any of them are LESS smart than me. How’s that for humbling?) I know there are people in my section who are struggling just like I am, that things are not supposed to be easy yet. It’s easier to remind myself of this stuff after a good class, though. I think I have to get used to leaving class feeling dispirited. I think it’s a bad sign that sometimes I’m so confused I don’t even know what questions to ask our professors after class. I just want to leave.
Law school is a transformation.
Despite all the ugly insecurities this week has dredged up out of my soul, I know there’s a purpose. I mentioned that in four months, I may hate school and learning and everything about this place. And if that is so, it will be almost entirely because I let the ugly insecurities take over. I may not have a choice, to tell you the truth.
But but but. I know, right now, almost more than I’ve known anything else, that I have found the thing I can be really good at. And let me tell you, that is an exciting thing.
Six years ago, five years ago, four years ago, a year and a half ago, basically since I graduated from college, I’ve wondered if what I was doing was something that could carry me through life. Through all the half-attempts at starting something new, I’ve wondered if and when I would find the thing that fit me best.
It’s a wonder to me that I found it now. I feel blessed and lucky and even peaceful. I’m hoping to hold onto this revelation—I can be good at this!—even in the hateful winter of 1L.
Going back to school is hard. The next four months and, indeed, the next year, are going to stress me and stretch me and test me, I know. I will probably have more days like Wednesday, days of complete doubt and fear of failure. But they’ll pass. Knowledge will remain.
