divine angst

For the last week or so, I’ve been dodging calls from my alma mater. I know that it’s fundraising season and I always hate having to tell the earnest undergrads that (a) I would love to give money but (b) I don’t know if I’ll be able to right now. I really didn’t want to have to tell some fresh-faced kid that I’m a grad student and if any institution is getting my spare change, it will probably be my current one.

So after hitting the cancel button on my phone for the last seven or eight nights, I finally answered tonight, just to get them to stop calling me. And the young man I spoke to was very nice, asking me how I was doing, how I got into law school from being a [blank] major. We talked some about wanting to write (hey, he wants to write also! it’s an epidemic there, though, with all the trees and fog and mountains . . . you can’t help it). It was lovely.

But see, here’s the thing. I mentioned that I was in GRAD school, and so couldn’t make a gift right now. Then HE asked me how I got into LAW. This reminded me that I had updated my directory information, including my new status as a student. And now I’m annoyed!

They KNOW I’m a student right now! They KNOW it and they’ve got their little student volunteers ASKING about how it’s GOING! And yet they still have the nerve to ask me for money???

Look, I’m happy to give, and I try to give every year, even if it’s only $50. Someday, I’d like to do more, because I really do believe in what they are doing. I got so much from my four years there, and I would love to know that I was doing everything I could to contribute to other students’ experience there.

But right now, it’s loan city, baby. So don’t ask me for money. I just don’t have it to give right now.

(Of course, I caved and told them they could call me in the spring, when I’ll probably know what kind of summer job I’ll have. I’m a total sucker.)

Oof.

I believe the memo is done. I went from being two full pages over the limit sometime yesterday afternoon to being 7-10 lines short of the limit tonight. My legal writing prof was excited to hear that. Hey, so am I, as long as I didn’t get rid of anything important. After all, tighten, sharpen, and brighten, right?

Nevertheless, I am WIPED. I have yet to do my reading for tomorrow’s classes and I’m not really inclined to do so now. What I’d really like to do is have a beer and watch some bad TV. So that’s the plan. I’ll give that an hour or so before I dive into . . . whatever I’m supposed to read for tomorrow. Something about something in contracts (!), something about causation in crim law, and something about supplemental jurisdiction in civ pro.

Don’t hate me because I’ve got more reading than you.

Bonus: tomorrow (because I forgot to pick it up today and let me tell you that was A Good, Good Thing) I get to see the comments the TA made on my civ pro practice midterm exam. Despite Prof. Civ Pro telling us today that, “None of the exams were bad; they were all good! You’re all getting it!” I am not convinced that reading over it will be fun.

My memo is done.

It is also a page too long. And I’ve edited it. Edited and edited and edited. And I am one full page over the limit. I am NEVER over the limit, though. I am always the one who has trouble getting UNDER the limit. And I am over. By one page.

So I’ll be stopping into my professor’s office tomorrow for some advice on getting rid of something unneeded.

Much as I bitch about the memo writing thing, every time I sit down to work on my analysis, or edit something I’ve already written, I get a little twinge of glee down inside.

I don’t go to office hours all that much. I know, I know, I should go to office hours as much as possible. But I never really know what to say in office hours. Still, I generally take advantage of conferences with my legal writing prof. Because, you know, that glee thing needs to be fed.

The other day, my legal writing prof told me she thought my writing style was very clear. My glee turned into choirs of singing angels. OK, perhaps I am overstating a bit. Let me just say this, then: not only was it such a relief to get any sort of feedback at all, but it was also an great delight to get POSITIVE feedback.

I wade through law school sometimes feeling like I am just the dumbest person ever. That’s the big reason that feedback was so nice. It’s…calming…to be told I’m still good at something I’ve always thought was a strength.

So I feel boosted. Only a few more weeks left in the semester. I needed it.

Imagine, if you will, that you have a ten-page memo due Tuesday. Let’s say, for the purposes of the hypothetical only, of course, that you have good Question Presented, a pretty good Conclusion, and a Statement of Facts that is complete, if perhaps TOO complete.

Now let’s say you have your Discussion section sitting there, seven or so pages long, but not really…complete. You know. Maybe you have about half of a good analysis. Maybe slightly less. Depends on how you think about completeness.

What would you be doing, then, on a Friday night?

Yeah, me too—cooking.

Tomorrow night is the official Mr. Angst’s Birthday Celebration and we’ll be having osso buco. I made it tonight, though, since it really benefits from the chance to sit overnight in the fridge. We’ll also be having homemade bread pudding, which I have to prepare tonight since the bread should sit it its custard overnight as well.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m too Holly Homemaker.

“Things will make sense, just look at the details. The answers are hidden there.”

This is highly appropriate, particularly given the advice we’ve been getting from our professors regarding a certain exam prep course many students were planning to take.

Also, I really like Prof. Torts.

Ann Althouse predicted it earlier this week. And now it’s happened.

I won’t deny that I’m pleased Miers isn’t the nominee anymore. But now we have the unknown staring us in the face again. Who will Bush nominate this time?

The fear-mongering has begun. I recall JCA at Sua Sponte using the words panic-inducing in reference to a certain exam-taking seminar program offered to law students. I get what she means now.

I’m not much of a panicker. I generally don’t buy into hard-sell marketing that tells me that I “must” do this or that in order to succeed. I realized a long time ago that panic doesn’t pay. For many of the same reasons that I didn’t take an LSAT course, therefore, I will not be spending 8 weekend hours in a hotel with 1Ls from across the city learning how to take law school exams—two days before my next memo is due.

But the fear-mongering is difficult to ignore. Not just from the seminar organizers themselves, but also from the students who are buying into it. We are generally non-competitive around here, but suddenly I hear my classmates saying they HAVE to spend money and time on this course because “the competition” will be taking it.

Holy hell, that’s freaky! It makes me angry that programs like this are being pushed upon us, but it makes me even angrier that they’re being pushed in a scary way such that normally nice people are turning into One-L style mind-f**kers. I’ve heard tell of someone saying that he’ll take the course not because he’s worried about being able to take an exam but because HE cares about being at the top of our class, getting the best grades.

What a load of crap! I can’t believe that any of us don’t want to do well. Are there actually people here who are spending $120,000 so they can aim just for C’s? (OK, maybe there are people doing that. They are a very slim minority.) So I don’t appreciate the fear-mongering, I don’t like the competitive edge it stirs up, and it makes me sad that nice people who are good students and who always seem to have smart things to say in class are now on the verge of all-out anxiety attacks on school property because they are convinced they’re going to fail out of law school because they can’t afford the time or money to take the program!

Rant ended. I have a memo to work on and lunch to eat.

There’s a hypo in my morning class involving the Queer Eye guys.

Prof. Contracts said he thinks it might be “so 2003.” Um, yeah.

from Blonde Justice. The boldy ones I’ve done; the others I haven’t. Who’s next?

smoked a cigarette
crashed a friend’s car
stolen a car
been in love
been dumped
shoplifted
been fired
been in a fist fight
snuck out of your parent’s house
had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
been arrested
gone on a blind date
lied to a friend
skipped school
seen someone die
had a crush on one of your internet friends
been to Canada
been to Mexico
been on a plane
purposely set a part of yourself on fire
eaten sushi
been jet-skiing
met someone in person from the internet
been moshing at a concert
taken pain killers
loved and missed someone
made a snow angel
had a tea party (do wedding showers count? I think so)
flown a kite
built a sand castle
gone puddle jumping
played dress up
jumped in a pile of leaves
gone sledding (if you count on cafeteria trays behind the dorm in college)
cheated while playing a game
been lonely
fallen asleep at work or school
used a fake id
watched a sun set
felt an earthquake
touched a snake
slept beneath the stars
been tickled
been robbed
been misunderstood
petted a reindeer/goat
won a contest
run a red light/stop sign
been suspended from school
been in a car accident
had braces
eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
had déjà vu
danced in the moonlight
liked the way you looked at least at one point in time
witnessed a crime
questioned your heart
been obsessed with post-it notes
squished barefoot through the mud
been lost
been on the opposite side of the country
swam in the ocean
felt like dying
cried yourself to sleep
played cops and robbers
recently colored with crayons
sung karaoke
paid for a meal with only coins
done something you told yourself you wouldn’t
made prank phone calls
laughed until some kinda beverage came out of your nose
caught a snow flake on your tongue
danced in the rain
written a letter to Santa Claus
been kissed under the mistletoe by your boy/girlfriend
watched the sun rise with someone you care about
blown bubbles
made a bonfire on the beach
crashed a party
gone rollerskating
had a wish come true
worn pearls
jumped off a bridge
ate dog/cat food
told a complete stranger that you loved them
kissed a mirror
sang in the shower
had a dream you married someone
glued your hand to something
got your tongue stuck to something
kissed a fish or a frog
sat on a roof top
screamed at the top of your lungs
did a one handed cartwheel
talked on the phone for more the 6 hours
stayed up all night
not taken a shower for a week
picked and eaten an apple right off the tree
climbed a tree
had a tree house
admitted you are scared to watch scary movies alone
believed in ghosts
had more than 30 pairs of shoes at the same time
worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others would say
gone streaking
gone dingdong ditching
pushed into a pool/hottub with all your clothes on
been told you’re hot by a complete stranger
broken a bone
been easily amused
caught a fish
caught a butterfly
laughed so hard you cried
cried so hard you laughed
laughed so hard you pee your pants
cheated on a test
had or do you currently have a Britney Spears CD
forgotten someone’s name
french braided someone’s hair
been kissed by someone you didn’t like
gone skinny dipping in a pool/lake
been threatened to be kicked out of your house
been kicked out of your house

I’ve been watching that tracker over in my sidebar. Right now it’s counting down the days till exams begin. It’s a little weird, actually, since, at the beginning of the semester it was showing something like 99 days, and now it only shows 40.

That’s not actually the weird part. The weird part is that for weeks I watched it, thinking that exams could NOT be 65 days away, or 60 days away, or 55 days away, or 50 days away.

But now that it’s at 40, I actually believe it.

The semester is, of course, blowing right by me. How can it possibly be the ninth week of school? I only know so much time has passed because of my class notes, organized into documents by week. Nine weeks. Wow. No way, right?

Still, exams being 40 days away doesn’t feel so wild. I can look at what I’ve learned this semester and actually comprehend that I’ve absorbed something like 2/3 of what I’m supposed to. The big picture is coming together. More and more, cases read for one class are referencing doctrines and rules we’re discussing in a different class. Things are starting to gel.

Not to say I’ve got a grip on everything. But if I visualize what I’m learning, I no longer see a great big field of white with some splotchy messes strewn randomly around. That field of white is turning into patches of white, isolated from other patches of white by a spreading web of information. It’s like watching a fast-motion video of mold growing.

(I’m not really equating law school knowledge with mold, of course, but it is an interesting analogy: mold thrives in the dank and dark, feeds off the leavings of mankind, and can turn an entire house toxic….there’s a whole lot of subtext in that…)

Forty days to exams. Not so unbelievable.

I should get my first law school grade today. Sometime. When my first memo gets returned. Sometime.

So I’m just waiting. While I wait, I’m writing my next memo. Conference tomorrow. I’m not as into the issue we’re writing about on this memo, so I’m having trouble getting motivated. I realized today, though, that unlike the “could go either way” nature of the last memo’s issue, this memo really can only go one way. So I think the take-away from it is less about making sure my position is supported and more about choosing–and using–the best sources in the most efficient way.

All this to say that I do not want to be writing this memo right now. And I’d feel a lot better about what I needed to do if I knew what I’d done wrong on the last one.

Update: Got it. Same as my advisory grade on the partial memo I turned in a few weeks ago. I am not disappointed. Whew!

In the two days we were gone, all the leaves fell off the trees. It’s cold and wet and windy.

In other words, welcome to winter.

Isn’t it strange how the mind will trick you, even when you and it both KNOW it’s tricking you — and you are happy to be tricked?

I love Our New City™. Law school is definitely the place for me. We moved 1100+ miles for all the right reasons.

But walking around Our Old City, seeing our friends, spending time with people we love is hard to beat. So there were many moments over the weekend when I just plain forgot that we don’t live there anymore. Things there are easy: I know what roads to take to avoid construction. I know what restaurants are on the way to the airport. I know how to tell a cab driver to get me where I want to go (except, of course, when he thinks I said “Quality” instead of “Holiday”).

Our Old City is a great place. I haven’t been missing it much lately, though. I’ve been so excited to be in a new place, experiencing new things, that I haven’t spend a lot of time thinking about home.

Maybe I’m feeling so nostalgic this morning because I’m operating on only a few hours sleep. Maybe my emotions are so close to the surface because last week was a really busy week at school and this week probably won’t be any better. The reasons don’t really matter. This morning I feel a little blue. Being home for three days wasn’t nearly enough.

The week is over. I’ve turned in the assignment that’s due at 5pm today. I’ve taken my Contracts midterm (which we are going over in class on Monday….no grade or anything, just a chance to figure out how many issues I missed and what things I don’t get). I’ve got most of my cases for my research memo printed out, and I’ve put all of next week’s readings into the great big binder o’ love.

In other words, I’m going out of town. This week has really been tough, since I’ve had so much to do and it was sandwiched between my in-laws visiting and our going out of town.

But I managed, I’m still alive, and I actually feel pretty good right now. Oh, not because of anything I’ve done this week–I think I did the least amount of work for my classes that I COULD have to not be completely lost–but I’m doing OK. I rewarded myself by spending $30 at the tea store for some special Earl Grey and a new tea strainer.

Off to the airport in an hour or so. Maybe I’ll post this weekend, maybe I won’t. It depends on how guilty I feel about not writing my memo this weekend.

I realized that everything I write makes me seem like one of those crazy student bloggers who does nothing but read and work and study. And Oh My God, I am definitely not That Person. Here, I’ll tell you what my schedule is, for at least the first half of the week:

6:45 am: Alarm goes off. I snooze until 7:05, when I get up, shower, eat a bowl of cereal, make coffee, and dress. Sometimes I have time to read blogs or news–it all depends on whether or not I have to blow dry my hair.

8:00 am: Leave for school. I used to try to GET to school by 8 am, but I blew that off a while ago. If I got there at 8, I’d only have 45 minutes to do…something. I can’t get into my reading in that amount of time, I can’t find a spot in the library and start working in that amount of time…it’s just not worth it.

8:30 am or so: Arrive at school. Sometimes I get there sooner; it depends on whether or not there’s a bus waiting when I get off the train. If there’s not, I walk from the train.

8:45 am-10:00 am: Class. I listen. I also read the news, check blogs, and have IM open. I don’t IM much, except with my brother, so sometimes I wonder why I bother.

10:00 am-10:55 am: Break. Again, this break is such a short amount of time, I can’t really get any work done. I go to the cafe and get a snack if I didn’t have enough breakfast, or I run errands on campus (like the day I needed new highlighters and ran to the bookstore for them, coming back with a four-pack of highlighters AND a pack of tabbies). Usually, I end up in the classroom early, chatting with my classmates.

10:55 am-11:50 am: Class. Much like the other one. Online all the time. I also take notes. But I don’t transcribe.

11:50 am-2:35 pm: Break. I know, it sounds like a recipe for success, with getting oodles of work done and all. Not so much. Usually the first half is taken up by a meeting or panel or free food event. I go to the ones I’m interested in, but there are a lot of those. Sometimes I walk to a nearby deli or cafe because I forgot to bring a lunch and I don’t want to eat on campus. If I don’t have a meeting or something, this is generally a good time to get reading done–if I have reading to do. Usually I have my reading done a day or two ahead, so sometimes the best I can do is go over the reading. If I know I’m on panel or might be called on, I’ll brief cases.

2:35 pm-3:50 pm: Class. Like the others.

After 3:50 pm: My time is my own. One day a week I meet with my study group. This is a good time to get research done. Sometimes I stay on campus, go to the library, and try to get ahead. Mostly, though, I go home.

Home is where I crack out most of my work. I get half the week’s reading done on Sunday, usually, and then I have time throughout the week to make dinner, watch some TV, and even read a little fiction. (My brain is usually too tired for too much fiction, especially since I’m currently reading the Baroque Cycle by Neal Stephenson. Not exactly skimmable.)

I am not a particularly focused person, usually. I need regular breaks, but I also need decent chunks of continuous time. The evenings are the best for me to work because I can set aside lots of time but have no problems getting up to get a sandwich or watch a little TV or just go to the bathroom without having to find someone to watch my stuff.

I should say that Monday and Tuesday nights are the best nights for me to work, since Mr. Angst has class those nights. But that’s also good because I can get almost all my reading for the week done by Tuesday night, leaving Wednesday and Thursday nights to spend with my husband.

OK. Everything I said about my Civ Pro midterm not being all that bad except that I didn’t time-manage? I take it all back for my Contracts midterm.

First, I have no idea what he wanted. The fact pattern seemed sort of straightforward, and I coulnd’t imagine why it would take 45 minutes to write it up. So I wrote down some notes and started typing and probably did more analysis than I needed to because I figured I probably needed to be writing SOMETHING. And in the last few minutes, I saw a final issue, but it only took a single paragraph to analyze.

So I don’t know. Either I totally rocked it, despite my grasp of contracts being VERY formulaic and not very substantive, or I totally blew it.

We’ll see Monday.

Oh My God.

Please tell me Jim is going home. Please please please pleasepleaseplease……

more: Oh it so looks like Jim is going home…..

still more: Yeah…..he’s goin’ DOWN.

again: Oh no…..nooooooo……..send JIM home! Don’t blame the project manager for JIM being a FREAK!

OH MY GOD. That was totally a producer decision. I am pissed.

It’s over. The first ungraded midterm, that is.

For my first experience with a law school exam, I feel remarkably calm. The long question was one I had spent considerable time reviewing–though I could have done more work on detailed issues. The short questions related to material I had quick and ready access to and, at least, had a decent handle on.

So what were my bigger problems? Time management.

• I spent too much time jotting down notes in a different document than the exam document.
• I spent too much time teasing the issues out of the fact pattern.
• I took too much time outlining issues and not enough time on the rules and analysis.

I mean, it was a personal jurisdiction question, but I spent a good ten minutes figuring out exactly which part of the scenario was the problematic part. Once I did that, the analysis flowed nicely, but I wasted time that could have been used to clarify points or remove some bad redundancies.

But now I know. I know what to work on when I’m taking practice exams. I know how to better tool my outline so it’s even easier to use. As an experience, it was worth it. Not the best hour-and-fifteen I’ve ever spent, but hey, an hour-and-fifteen isn’t that much time.

Does anyone know how to get caramalized-to-burnt sugar off the bottom of an oven? I baked an apple pie tonight, and, of course, the yummy sugary goodness of the filling decided to bubble up out of the pie pan and drip onto the oven floor. And there it bubbled some more and turned into a mess of caramel and burnt sugar.

So, any ideas out there? It’s got to cool, obviously, before I can do anything, but I’d like to be prepared.

(This has happened to me before, but the last time, I just let it burn off over the next few months cooking. I had an openable window in the kitchen, though, so I could air the kitchen out when it started smoking too badly. I don’t have any of that here so I figure I should actually clean the damn thing before I try using it again.)

I get frustrated when I read cases and don’t understand them. I growl at the casebook and sigh heavily and I want to get up and walk away from it all.

It’s not that the language is dense and incomprehensible (though it is) and it’s not that the judges use one word when they should have used another (though they do). That stuff almost doesn’t bother me anymore. I get the facts of the cases. I even usually get the issue and holding. What I often don’t get–and this is what scares me–is the underlying legal principle.

I can grasp that the cases I’m reading are all about, say, consideration. And I can see how consideration plays into each individual case. But I have a hard time extrapolating a legal theory of consideration from a group of cases until I go to class and the professor explains it all.

This scares me. I’m halfway through my first semester, I have three midterms this week, my outlining is ramping up nicely, but I still feel like I haven’t learned anything on my own. Everything crammed into my brain right now is crammed in there because the professor told me about it.

Or that’s how it feels. There are days when I go into class confident that I got the reading, when I feel like I don’t even need to take notes because my case briefs will be enough. And the professor opens his mouth and I realize how narrow my understanding is.

It’s not every class, it’s not every day. And sometimes I really do get it. But those days seem fewer and farther between. Is this “learning to think like a lawyer”? Not only is the way I learn being reshaped, but what knowledge I have is also being torn up and put back together. And I’m starting, frankly, to get dizzy.

E. Spat is making cookies, so I want to make cookies now.

Unfortunately, I need to finish my reading for Civ Pro and then work on my outline, since I have that midterm on Tuesday. (I’ve been walking around thinking the midterm was Wednesday and I looked at my calendar and realized I was wrong. That was a fun revelatory moment.)

So cookies may have to wait.Update: I managed to find time after summarizing and outlining all the personal jurisdiction cases to mix up a batch of Chocolate Chocolate Chip Cookies. They are in the oven right now. I am waiting VERY PATIENTLY for them to come out.

It’s been a whirlwind couple of days and I haven’t gotten much done. Mr. Angst’s parents were in town and we were showing them the sights.

Even though the weight of all the work I have to do tomorrow is hanging over me, I am glad we had these two days to see the city. We’ve been here a couple of months, so we know some good places to eat. I have some books about the city, so I had some good information at my fingertips as we wandered around. And Mr. Angst and I had the chance to do some touristy things we might have otherwise passed up.

The longer we are here, the more I love this city. It’s vibrant, exciting, diverse, and a lot of it quite frankly takes my breath away.

I was so excited about Bloglines’ new hotkeys feature. Bloglines–looking out for my carpal tunnel!

Until I discovered that my application keyboard shortcuts (for Safari) no longer work when I’m in Bloglines. So, there I am, reading my feeds, and I decide I want to open a new tab so I can look something up. I hit Command-T for a new tab and…no worky. So I still have to trackpad up to the file menus just to open a new tab. I can’t close a Bloglines window by keyboard shortcuts. I can’t do anything by keyboard shortcut if I’m reading feeds in Bloglines! Argh!

Look, I know I shouldn’t be posting while drunk (PWD or whatever) but I am. I had a good time tonight. I met people, I had MARTINIS. I talked about football.

I guess thelarger point to this post is: if you are a 1L and you haven’t made friends yet, DO SO. They don’t have to be BFFs, but they should be people you can at least accompany to bar review, if not decompress afterwards with.

Tonight’s lesson: no one thinks you are a geek. We are all in law school. Make friends. People in your section want to know you.

Also, you are drunk. Go to bed.