divine angst

I left my computer chained to my carrel and went downstairs to get some tea. Did I mention that I gave up coffee for lent? (NOT caffeine, just coffee, because I actually really like coffee.) So I went to get some tea. Yum! Tea! And I grabbed a tea bag and pulled out exact change and grabbed my cup (all while the girl behind the counter had a conversation with someone else) and filled my cup with hot water from the hot water carafe, and put a java jacket on my cup and . . .

. . . promptly tumped my cup over all over the carafe counter. Gah! Meanwhile, the folks behind the counter were still having their conversation, so I mopped up the mess with the help of the not-so-absorbent napkins-from-the-dispenser, and a kindly stranger (I think he was a professor).

So, OK. Fine. The rest of the day was without incident. I wrote and wrote and wrote while chained to my carrel. And I came home. But first, I stopped at the store to get fixin’s for dinner, including a lovely bottle of Italian white table wine. And I popped the wine in the fridge–in the shelf on the door, where a bottle of wine fits so nicely, and set about preparing dinner. And then I went to get the lemons out so I could zest and juice them and when I pulled the fridge door open, the wine bottle flipped over the shelf bar and . . .

. . . shattered all over my kitchen floor. Gah! Again! So I picked up the big pieces of glass and then swept up the little pieces, and then sopped up the wine from the floor with paper towels, because we don’t have a mop. And when it dried, I sprayed 409 on the floor and wiped it up with my foot and more paper towels.

Dinner still came off OK. But I’ve never felt so clumsy. Well, maybe that’s not true. But it’s close.

I’ve been feeling a bit off lately. I don’t want to say I’ve been feeling sad or angry, because I haven’t. It’s different. For a while, I felt sort of . . . blank. And then I felt very thin, like my emotions were just staying inside my skin. For instance, lately, during the day, I find myself remembering something from my “old life”–like the day the electricity went off and I opened all the windows in our house and laid on the bed in my underwear to stay cool. I remember trimming the bushes in our back patio. I think about doing laundry in our own machines, or about going home for lunch to make a grilled cheese sandwich. It’s the little things I keep dwelling on, too, not the holiday meals we hosted, or the improvements we made. Just the day-to-day moments that were happy and comfortable. And how different my life is now.

I don’t even really know how to write about how I’m feeling, either, because I’m not sure what’s going on, other than your garden-variety stress-induced depression. Because, lately, for the first time, really, I wonder what I’m doing here. I phrase it that way because I still think I made the right choice to go to law school and, in particular, to come to this law school. But sometimes I still shake my head and wonder what I’m doing here. What do I want to do? That conviction I felt a year (or more) ago has been diluted. I thought I wanted to teach; I was sure of it. Now, I’m not so sure. Is it because I’m starting to believe the hype about grades? Or is it because I see other things I’m interested in that are starting to take the place of my old ambitions? Or is it just that I’m tired and stretched too thin?

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like this–inadequate, lonely, lost–and I don’t quite know what to do about it. The worst part of it all is that I logically know that I am not inadequate, nor am I alone in this, and that I am no more lost than anyone else right now. The mind, though, is funny about how it keeps information from itself; the right side of my brain might as well be in Timbuktu, for all that it knows what the left side knows.

Let the record reflect that I would have blogged the Oscars had I not been in a two-and-a-half hour rehearsal for the law school musical.

Let the record also reflect that I deserve some sort of award for staying so long, given that I had one line in the later part, the part that ran really long, and given that I’ve had a low-grade headache behind my right eye for the last two days.

Let the record finally reflect that I have not done my Con Law reading for tomorrow. I am not upset about this, though I hate being unprepared. I am also not guilt-ridden over it, since I nearly always do my reading and I have many good reasons for not doing it this time. I’m just noting that, along with Oscar-watching and -blogging, I could not do reading tonight, either.

So I didn’t end up going out Thursday after all. But it’s OK, because Mr. Angst and I stayed in and watched some Buffy and cooked some dinner and drank some wine. And I went to bed sort of early and got lots of sleep. Friday was a good day because I was so rested.

So now here we are at the weekend. I’m making a pot roast. Mr. Angst and I are thinking of going to hear some music tonight. And we’re watching more Buffy! (NB: I despise Dawn. Yes, we’re at the beginning of season 5. Dawn sucks.)

If only I could get some work done on my appellate brief. Argh.

I made a crepe cake tonight. It was yummy. I hadn’t really attempted crepes before, mostly because, until recently, I didn’t have an appropriate pan. But I got a very nice, 8″ non-stick skillet for Christmas, so I put it to good use tonight. (We’ve been using it for omelets, of course.)

I used this Alton Brown recipe for the crepes themselves, which was really simple. (But I didn’t have any liqueur on hand, so I left that out, and I didn’t let the batter sit for a full hour. About the latter: I didn’t have any problems with the crepes tearing, but I also have a really good, brand new, non-stick pan. So that might have contributed to the ease of turning the things.)

Once I had my crepes (OK, who am I kidding, I started filling the cake before all the crepes were done. Don’t do this, because the warm crepes make it hard to spread the filling) I started stacking them, spreading a thin layer of my filling on top of each one.

What fillling did I use? Eight ounces of mascarpone cheese with a tablespoon of sugar and a teaspoon of vanilla stirred in. It might have been better if I’d used the stand mixer to incorporate everything, because it might have been softer or whippier. But it was fine just mixed in a bowl.

For a topping, I thought about doing caramelized sugar. Some of the crepe cakes I’ve seen have a creme brulee-type crust on them, made by sprinkling sugar and blasting it with a blowtorch. But the mascarpone had a slightly musty taste to it (supermarket mascarpone not being the most fresh), so it needed something a little brighter.

Since I didn’t have much else on hand, I nuked some strawberry jelly until it was liquid, and brushed it over the top and sides of the cake. That was a good call. Next time, though, I’ll nuke it a little less, so it’s more of a topping and less of a glaze. Still, it worked out quite well, considering two of us polished off 2/3 of it. It was definitely yum.

And yes, I am aware that I do not have a proper cake dish. Not being much of a baker, I never felt the need to purchase one. This was so good, though, that I might have to. And next time, I think I’ll suck it up and make pastry cream. Or maybe I’ll pick up some clotted cream. Mmmm. Fat.

Y’all, I feel, like, TWENTY YEARS YOUNGER today.

First, big bad group project is over. Second, one of my more difficult classes is getting to a place where we’re discussing some sort of tricky stuff, but it’s stuff I covered last semester in my favorite class. Ergo, I feel prepared every day that I walk into that class. Finally, I was terrified that I was WAY behind on my big legal writing paper, due in a week and a half, but I talked to my prof and she thinks I am in good shape and that I have outlined the issues the right way. Joy!

And there’s more! One of my good friends got a GREAT job today, after waiting to hear from employers for ages. I picked up my formerly ill-fitting suit jacket from the tailor’s, and it looks So Much Better. And there was BEER at school this afternoon.

Finally (again!), tonight’s Bar Review is only a couple of blocks from my apartment. I may actually go out tonight. Unreal.

If only the light in our kitchen hadn’t blown out this morning, today would have been a near perfect day. I feel totally refreshed and young.

Dude. This is really funny. I feel bad for the guy, but, actually, not that bad.

Group assignment from hell: turned in

Tomorrow’s reading: finished (though I can’t promise I understood all of it)

This week’s rehearsals: over

Evening with Mr. Angst: underway

I do have an outline to work on before I meet with my professor tomorrow. And I need to review the two law review articles I had to read for tomorrow’s class. But for the first time in days, I do not feel buried under my obligations. It’s nice to remember what that feels like.