divine angst

I had a strange dream last night in which I had to do my moot court argument again, but this time, I had to argue both issues, all by myself. And I did just as well on the first issue as I did in the real thing, but when I got up to do the other issue, I fell completely apart. I couldn’t articulate anything. Every question asked sent me scrambling back to my paper, which was unintelligible. I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried, string words together into a sentence of any kind. I failed completely. And the judges told me so, and not kindly.

Those kinds of dreams really freak me out. Not because I believe them–I always wake up knowing the dream failure wasn’t real and that I am a capable person–but because they chip away at my confidence. Subconsciously, sure, but with actual effect. I always wonder why my brain would try to undermine me, too. I mean, I had a really good moot court experience, and how does my mind respond? With a dream that I am only half-capable, that I can only be good at something partway.

I think I’ve struggled with that feeling my whole life, that I might be good at some parts of things, but I can never master the whole thing. Feeling like I have only a small slice of the skills pie, as it were. Maybe that’s why I’m so competitive, because I want to prove (to myself and to everyone else) that I can have the whole skills pie. Of course, everyone knows that you get sick if you eat more than your share of pie.

I don’t know what the solution is, if this is even a problem. All I can do is keep trying and doing the best I can, and keep reminding myself that I don’t have to have the whole pie. But I wish my own mind wouldn’t make it so hard sometimes.