divine angst

I have only to get through the rest of today. Then I can drink coffee again! I’ve spent the last few days trying to figure out, numerically and theologically, how I could move that up, but nothing has worked out. The fact is that Holy Saturday is the 40th day of Lent (since Sundays don’t count), and Easter begins, at the very, VERY earliest, tonight, with the end of the Great Vigil services. And I’m too old to be drinking coffee at 10pm anymore and still expect to get any good sleep.

So tomorrow morning, I’m planning to get up, make a big pot of my Community Coffee (support them! They’re doing GREAT things in New Orleans and southern Louisiana), and savor it. I fully expect to be totally jittery during church. Frankly, I’m OK with that.

Tomorrow’s Easter feast will probably get its own post, if it turns out OK. I’m using a Cook’s Illustrated recipe from several years ago for a roasted boneless leg of lamb topped with a parmesan and bread crumb crust. Along with it will be spinach wilted in bacon fat with garlic and balsamic, a pan of GFPs (Good Effing Potatoes, a brunch tradition from Our Old City, always made by one of our friends) and, for dessert, whiskey bread pudding. My lavender Easter suit will not fit when the day is done, but that’s OK. It’ll just go back in the closet until, I don’t know, some other holiday when it’s OK to wear a pastel linen-and-silk suit.

But until then, I’m working on my Property outline. Or should be. Exams are much too soon for comfort. This week will be very busy, I think.

I’ve had my last Property class. Ever. Unlike my disbelief last semester that I had learned enough Civ Pro to be allowed to not take it anymore (though, of course, I am taking more of it), I can totally accept that the Property I’ve learned this semester is enough to last me the rest of my legal career. No, really! And, actually, this afternoon, I will finish Civ Pro. This time, I fully believe that I’ve absorbed enough of it to move on and take other classes.

Maybe that’s just an experience thing–I know more this semester, and I know how to absorb information more efficiently. Maybe it’s just that I’m tired, and need a break. Whatever the case, my first year of law school is all but over. And that seems right. This semester has just flown by, but in looking back, I definitely feel like I’ve been here a year. (An academic year, that is.)

Exams are coming up. I’m a little nervous that I haven’t done more work on my outlines, that I haven’t really synthesized stuff yet. But today, as Prof. Property talked to us about the exam, and about his expectations, and about what approach we should take, I felt a little bit of calm. I know how to take exams. That process, at least, is not so scary anymore. Sure, I need to figure out what to put in my exams–learn the law and all–but I’m not freaked out about the actual mechanism.

Two semesters in, I’m still sure that I picked the right path. Law school is for me. I hope the next four semesters slow down a little, though. I want to enjoy it while it lasts.

1. I had to eat my soup at lunch with a fork. I’m sure there’s a metaphor for life in that somewhere, but I’m not really inclined to come up with it right now.
2. I just saw someone in my afternoon class who I’ve never seen before.
3. Our school will allow us to upload our exams via the internet this semester. This is a good thing for me for one very important reason: I can never remember to bring a blank disk with me on exam day. Because I’m an idiot, I guess.
4. I find it hard to believe that tomorrow marks the end of the semester for two of my classes (two others meet the final time on Monday). As someone said to me at a student organization meeting, “I can’t believe we’re talking about the 1Ls, and they are not us” (in reference to planning for the fall). Trippy, man, trippy.
5. There’s an alleged trend that people’s grades go down second semester of 1L, and I am starting to understand why—the weather is so fan-freaking-tastic right now that the last thing I want to do is sit in the library and work on outlines. And it’s too bright to use my computer outside. Plus, I really need a tan. So, yeah, I may be screwed this semester.
6. My professor just walked in, so I’d better stop posting and get ready to learn. :::snort:::

You Are an Excellent Cook

You’re a top cook, but you weren’t born that way. It’s taken a lot of practice, a lot of experimenting, and a lot of learning. It’s likely that you have what it takes to be a top chef, should you have the desire…

First seen at LQ’s place

How can I possibly have this much work to do, and so little time in which to do it? I have Con Law to read for tomorrow and Monday, Property reading for Thursday and Friday, a response paper due by the 18th (for Property, but based on a reading from several weeks ago), a movie to watch for another class and, oh yes, outlines to finish. Egads, I may be screwed.

Yet oddly, I cannot motivate myself to do any of it. I just want to sit, or sleep, or watch TV. So tired. So ready for the semester to be over.

OK, I’ve posted before about how I LOVE disaster movies.

Tonight, I lugged home my 10-pound Con Law book, and the hornbook companion, because I was going to continue working on the Commerce Clause part of my Con Law outline.

Instead, I’m watching The Day After Tomorrow. Shut up. It could happen–scientists have said so. Plus, Emmy Rossum is in it, and she was so cute in The Phantom of the Opera that I am now a huge fan.

We’ve all seen the trailers for the new Jack Bauer movie, right?

Oh, wait, you mean Kiefer Sutherland isn’t playing Jack Bauer in that movie? Huh. Could’ve fooled me.

Dear Brain,

Please stop sending me weird dreams. The Moot Court one was bad enough, but now you have me dreaming about (1) grades I got, even though the semester isn’t over, (2) in classes I’m not taking, (3) that I am certainly not taking Pass/Fail, (4) with professors I like, but who aren’t here this semester, (5) who then give me an F! Just STOP IT. It’s mean.

That is all.

Kristine

Dear Brain,

Please stop sending me weird dreams. The Moot Court one was bad enough, but now you have me dreaming about (1) grades I got, even though the semester isn’t over, (2) in classes I’m not taking, (3) that I am certainly not taking Pass/Fail, (4) with professors I like, but who aren’t here this semester, (5) who then give me an F! Just STOP IT. It’s mean.

That is all.

Kristine

It’s hard to believe that, in one week, my second semester of law school (and my first year of law school) will be over. Oh, OK, I have finals after that. But I’ll be done with my 1L classes. Required classes will be completed, legal writing will be a thing of the past (actually, that was true once Moot Court was over).

So I want to take this opportunity to write about a few things I learned this year. It’s worded more like advice, but it’s really stuff I wished I’d had written down last year, stuff I could have looked at when things got really crappy.

Law school is no harder than any other school. The thing that makes law school worse than other school (note: NOT harder) is that it requires you to be one hundred times more organized if you want to keep your head above water. While some things in law school are relatively easy to bullshit, you can’t bullshit your exam. And to be able to NOT bullshit your exams, you have to be organized all semester. At least, if you’re me. I’m sure there are some students who never go to class and never read and never study and manage to do well (or at least fine), but most of us have to do some preparation. That may not mean going to class every day, or doing every bit of reading, or even outlining. But you can’t do nothing (like a lot of us did in college, while still getting A’s). You have to do some work, whatever work works for you.

If you make law school the only thing you do, you will not be happy. You have got to have a life outside of school. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to meet people outside of school–frankly, that’s hard, given the amount of time we all spend at school, and with the same group of fellow students. But you can’t make everything about law school or you will get sick and tired of it all a lot quicker than necessary. Me, I joined student organizations that were completely non-law related–the a capella group, the law school musical. Yes, the people in those groups are law students, but we don’t do law things when we get together. Instead, we sing, we dance, we have fun letting our hair down. I have a husband, too, and that helps me have a balanced life. But you can have a balanced life even if you don’t have a significant other outside of school. You just have to be conscious of it. Go see movies, go to concerts and museums. Join a church or a synagogue or volunteer with a local food bank. Do something that is not sitting in the library studying, or working out. Remember, you are a whole person, and the law is not enough to feed you.

Even if it’s hard, you have to keep your perspective. Law school grades are curved. That, frankly, kind of stinks. It means someone will always be below the median, and it means that someone might sometimes be you. Don’t let the competitiveness take you over, though. Don’t make grades your end-all, be-all. As above, get involved with student organizations. Take on leadership roles. Volunteer for stuff. Get to know your professors. A well-rounded resume is a good thing. Face it–most of us won’t be in top percentiles of our class. But if your resume has nothing on it but your grades, you won’t be very memorable for employers. Stand out from the bell curve by doing things that you enjoy that give you opportunities to shine in other ways.

Finally, enjoy yourself as much as possible. Make friends. Eat at good restaurants. Drink nice beer sometimes, and drink cheap beer when that’s all you can afford. Go dancing. Celebrate local holidays. Have parties. Go to parties. Live it up. Law school is hard, but it’s still school. And when it’s over, you have to go to work. Don’t rush. Take time to smell the roses and all that.

I had a strange dream last night in which I had to do my moot court argument again, but this time, I had to argue both issues, all by myself. And I did just as well on the first issue as I did in the real thing, but when I got up to do the other issue, I fell completely apart. I couldn’t articulate anything. Every question asked sent me scrambling back to my paper, which was unintelligible. I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried, string words together into a sentence of any kind. I failed completely. And the judges told me so, and not kindly.

Those kinds of dreams really freak me out. Not because I believe them–I always wake up knowing the dream failure wasn’t real and that I am a capable person–but because they chip away at my confidence. Subconsciously, sure, but with actual effect. I always wonder why my brain would try to undermine me, too. I mean, I had a really good moot court experience, and how does my mind respond? With a dream that I am only half-capable, that I can only be good at something partway.

I think I’ve struggled with that feeling my whole life, that I might be good at some parts of things, but I can never master the whole thing. Feeling like I have only a small slice of the skills pie, as it were. Maybe that’s why I’m so competitive, because I want to prove (to myself and to everyone else) that I can have the whole skills pie. Of course, everyone knows that you get sick if you eat more than your share of pie.

I don’t know what the solution is, if this is even a problem. All I can do is keep trying and doing the best I can, and keep reminding myself that I don’t have to have the whole pie. But I wish my own mind wouldn’t make it so hard sometimes.

Moot Court is over, and it went just fine. Although my tummy was a ball of nerves a few hours before, by the time I got up to speak, I felt confident and ready. It helps that I didn’t have to go first.

People told me (and by people I mean 2- and 3Ls) not to prepare. They told me to have an introduction and then not worry about it, because I’d just be asked questions and I’d just have to answer those questions. That the judges wouldn’t care about what I wanted to say, because they just want their questions answered. And that was mostly true. I say mostly because I did take some time to read through my opponent’s brief and think about how I would rebut his arguments. And that helped.

I should also note that I am one of those people who talks to herself. Usually I talk to myself in my head, although when I still had a car, I was known to have conversations aloud while driving. Anyway, this little quirk was really helpful for moot court, because I could read an argument or a question and then have a conversation about it in my head. And then when I got up to present my oral arguments, I wasn’t terrified, because I had already talked to myself about all those points. Or most of them. It wasn’t so bad. And I swear, I am not insane. Just quirky. Come on–you talk to yourself, too, admit it.

So moot court is over, and it wasn’t bad at all. My approach–treating it like an experience to learn from rather than something really terrifying and competitive–was a good one. Of course, it wasn’t graded. But I’ve been known to take things really seriously when absolutely nothing at all is at stake, just for the sake of “winning,” so for me to be relaxed about it was a big deal.

Moot court is over. Time to get cracking on outlines and studying.

Last week, before opening night of the law school musical, I met Mr. Angst for dinner. But I wasn’t hungry–I felt nauseous (or nauseated, if you will). I figured I was a little hungrier than I thought, ate my veggie burger and fries, and went off to get into hair and makeup. I was a little low-energy that night, but things went off without a hitch, so all was well.

Well, this evening, I feel the same way as I did last week. (Oh, wait, it’s not evening yet. This afternoon, then.) My tummy is upset, I feel lightheaded. It’s not pleasant.

But at least I’ve figured out what’s causing it. It’s nerves.

I haven’t feel this sort of performance nerves in a really long time. Maybe I’ve managed to do that by keeping out of situations where I have to do something All By Myself. After all, all the choirs I’ve sung in for the last six or so years have been, well, choirs, and I haven’t really been singing all alone. And I haven’t done any plays or public speaking in the last six or so years. Frankly, I’ve avoided all of that like the plague, telling myself I’m better as a team player (in a choir) or better at behind-the-scenes stuff (with any sort of performance). Even the few times I’ve sung by myself, I’ve done so at family weddings, where I wasn’t really worried about criticism or negative reactions.

But last week, I was in the spotlight, and facing a possibly hostile audience. (OK, I knew they wouldn’t be hostile, but the jokes could have fallen flat.) I mean, I didn’t have a big part in the law school musical or anything, but it was the first time I’d acted since my senior year of college, yea so many years ago. And tonight, I’ll be on my own again, arguing in moot court–and this time, I know the audience could be hostile, or at least confrontational. Argh!

I don’t really have any reason to be nervous. I know my argument. I (almost) have my intro memorized. I’ve read over some questions our class brainstormed for each side and I’ve read my opponent’s brief. I feel pretty good about being able to address any question that comes my way, as long as it stays within the scope of the legal argument. (I don’t know if my answers will be the “right” ones or if they’ll be convincing, but I think I have a handle on what I need to say.)

But still, the tummy, it flutters.

So I don’t really know what to do about that, short of making my dinner, eating it, and getting my little tushy up to campus to face the judges. It’s just strange, that I didn’t recognize the flutters anymore.

Once upon a time, I used to like E True Hollywood Story. But now, it just sucks.

What do I mean? I mean that Wednesday night TV bites. Or, it did till I discovered one of the movie channels (that come gratis with our cable DVR box) is showing Real Genius. Which is, quite possibly, the only good movie Val Kilmer was ever in.

“Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis? . . . A girl’s gotta have her standards.”

Now I can wait for the flood of hits that quote generates.

In more news from today, I picked up my Property book and syllabus to do tomorrow’s reading, finished it feeling confident, and then discovered I had read for Friday. So I had to pick the book back up and do another 40 pages of reading before I could leave campus. Other than that, today was uneventful. I’ll spend the rest of it memorizing my introduction for oral arguments . . . which are tomorrow. Hopefully, I won’t get through it before I can fall back on questions.

Well, shit.

Today started off with a bang when I tripped down the stairs and the high heel on my shoe caught the cuff on my nice wool pants and ripped a nice tear in it. In the CUFF. Right in the front.

These pants? Were expensive. The tear? Is ragged and LONG. I do not want to have to get rid of the cuffs to make them wearable; they are cuffed pants. I do not want to have to shorten them; they are the perfect length.

I am PISSED.

Update: It gets better. My early class isn’t happening because the prof? Just didn’t show up. So I got up early and dressed and dragged my butt here–tearing my expensive wool pants in the process–and I don’t even have class.

Update to the update: OK, so it turns out she didn’t flake on sending the email. Rather, the person who was supposed to send it accidentally sent it to the wrong class list. I would snark on that, but I’ve sent enough mistaken emails in my time that I feel total sympathy for him. Plus, today got generally better, so I’m not as grouchy now.

Everyone is talking about the US News rankings. (I won’t link to them; you know where to find them.) From what I hear, the law school boards are hopping–people are questioning their previous admiration for various schools that have dropped in the rankings, and are cooing about schools they’d never have considered before because they went up a few notches. I’ve even heard mutterings around school. We poked major fun at the rankings during the law school musical–or, at least, made big jokes about our ranking. But today I heard a few people talking, in not-happy tones, about our ranking. (For the record, we dropped ever-so-slightly.) And it annoyed me. I wanted to stop them and say something; I wanted to snipe at them.

I am pretty sure I have said this before, but it totally bears repeating. Law school rankings do not matter. OK, maybe that’s an overstatement. Clearly, they do matter. Higher rank correllates with better bar passage rates, better employment prospects, higher starting salaries, and, of course, a higher, though only-marginally-important, brag factor. What I mean, then, is that if you have chosen your law school for the right reasons, ranking should not matter.

A lot of people go to the highest ranked school they get into. This, however, is not, independently, a good enough reason for choosing a law school. That choice should be about more than prestige. Instead, choose your law school because you think you will be happy spending three years there. You may be admitted to more than one school that fits that description, and that would be the time to go to the other considerations. Sure, take financial and regional considerations into account, but when push comes to shove, if you choose your law school based on nothing more than prestige, chances are you will be sorely disappointed at some point. Like, when US News publishes its rankings and your school drops.

So, sure, the rankings drop is no fun, if only because of the way people react to it. But does it actually change anything? Is my school any worse today than it was last week? Absolutely not. Do I love my school less? Do I think less of my classmates? Do I have any regrets? Absolutely, positively not. Why? Because I chose my school for what I consider the right reasons–its size, its location, its academics, and its reputation. That’s right, I considered reputation. Note that, when it comes down to it, my school’s reputation is not dramatically different from the other schools I considered, nor are the academics. But the size and location were really important to me, and they make the difference.

So I’ve had some questions about my anonymity and whatnot. And I just wanted to clarify my position on the whole thing.

I am not really anonymous. I mean, I use my real first name, I don’t hide details about my school or what I’m doing at my school. It’s just not that tough to figure out where I am or, even, who I am. So clearly, my worry is not hiding my identity. Rather, it’s remaining “googlenonymous.” I just don’t want people to be able to type my name in and get this blog. Basically. Also, I’m sort of self-conscious about my writing (like I’m self-conscious about anything I reveal about myself), so I like to fly under the radar a bit.

But, really, I’m not “anonymous.” Just “googlenonymous,” and, hopefully, keeping it that way.

Totally what Cella said.

Totally.