divine angst

The thing about law school that sucks is grades. Curved grades. Ours came out today. I did fine, objectively speaking. I did not do as well as last semester, though, and I worry about what that means. Did I get complacent? Did I change the way I studied, to my detriment? (In at least one respect, I think I did.) Or was my performance nothing more than a reflection of the professors and classmates I had this semester?

It’s hard to know. Last semester, none of my grades surprised me. I honestly felt I had earned each of them. This semester, I feel that bafflement that people often talk about with law school grades–the sense that, surely, they must be arbitrary? I have no idea why two of my grades came out as they did. (The other three seemed pretty spot-on, though I still have a vague sense of arbitrariness with two of them.)

‘Tis better to know than not know, I suppose. And I don’t think my grades change anything. I think only a stunning change–positive or negative–would have had any sort of impact on anything grades-dependant. But my pride is a little wounded. I thought I had this thing figured out, and it turns out, I don’t. Or at least not as well as I thought I did.

One L is officially over, kids. No more 1L classes. No more 1L exams. I have a 1L summer job, but that’s really just a pre-2L job. Right?

I promise I will post more….of something….later. For now, I’m catching up on things I missed over the last two days.

My outline is done. My short outline is done. My flowchart is done. Twenty-six pages, four pages, and two pages, respectively. In no greater than 10 point font throughout. I have two practice exams printed out, which I will look at tonight, probably someplace that is not my apartment. In less than 24 hours (hopefully, in less than 18 hours, actually), I will be done with my first year of law school. OK, except for that writing competition thing. Shh. Don’t tell my brain.

Right now, though, I am taking a break. It’s the second significant one I’ve taken today–the first I took so I could go to yoga. I’m watching a movie, I had a cookie (and some dinner, I’m not totally depraved), and I am craving a beer. I won’t have a beer. Instead I’ll probably have coffee at whatever establishment I land tonight.

Deep breaths. I’m ready to be done with this year. I really am. And yet, something keeps me from wanting to be finished. If I finish my last exam, it means I’m really done with the first year of law school. And if I finish my first year, I have to think about the second year, and about picking classes and deciding what sort of law I want to practice and what sort of things I want to write about for my senior paper and what sort of things I’m going to do after I graduate.

It’s a little terrifying, actually. But deep breaths. I can do this. I am ready.

Yesterday, the weight of confusing material bore down on me, leading to procrastination. Today, it’s the weight of pretty-much-just-boring material, and material-I-learned-last-semester that’s pushing me to read every online newspaper in my bookmarks, every blog in my blogroll, and watch some You Tube.

Light a fire under me, someone! Please!

Have you ever had that experience where you’re feeling completely overwhelmed and confused and baffled by something, say, the first quarter of your outline for a hard class, and someone comes along and you start talking about the class, and that person asks you a question about something later in your outline, and you realize, Hey, I know this stuff! I’m NOT stupid!

It’s really a good feeling. Puts things into perspective.

Back to the outline, but with a little sense of renewal.

I just sent my mom an email that read like a telegram. Stop. What’s happened to me? Stop. I’m buried under the books, that’s what. Stop.

Will cry for help soon. Stop.

I took one more exam today. It wasn’t necessarily what I expected, but I think everyone is in the same boat, since this was only the second exam he’s ever given and he wouldn’t let us look at the first one.

This evening, I’m going to start working on studying for my last exam, the really hard one that makes my brain go “Ouch!” I’ve done some work on it so far, but not a lot, and I need to snythesize stuff in a big way. Normally, I’d take the rest of the day after an exam off, but I feel like I sort of slacked around this weekend and didn’t really do as much preparation as I claimed to. So taking another afternoon off is probably a bad idea. Never fear, though, it’ll be an easy-going evening. But work will be done; it has to be.

I started working on my barely-begun outline for my last exam this morning. I realize now that the professor started with the most complex (or at least most theoretically confusing) element of the course. And I didn’t really fall into a note-taking rhythm for the course until several weeks into the semester. So my notes don’t make a lot of sense. And the professor sort of jumped around things, a lot, so my outline is, frankly, a huge mess.

So I have a lot of work to do on it. That’s OK, I have several days. But right now, I’m a little daunted by the extent of work I have left to do.

* One of ESPN’s analysts said this about Vince Young transitioning to the NFL. Seriously. Said it just like that. Monya. Mental.

I meant to take one of my remaining finals today. The problem, though, is that I would have had to pick it up by 11 am, and that just wasn’t happening. Yesterday was pretty unproductive, too, in part because of the hangover, and in part because I was just coming down off of two finals in four days, so I didn’t really have time to get ready to take the exam this morning. Oh, and I was just WIPED, and I needed some solid, non-drunk sleep.

So I’ve started today off right. I’ve had my coffee, and a Nutella and banana sandwich, and I’m watching the NFL draft. I won’t be taking my final, true, but I will be doing all the work I intended to do last night. And since I don’t expect that work will take all day, I’ll also start working (or, really, continue working) on my outline for my other final. Once again, I’ll be taking over the desk and monitor.

It’s a Saturday, in other words. I’ve got work to do, but I’m going to be relaxed about it. Remember, duckies: stress kills.

And that was the end of my required classes. Oh, OK, fine, I still have to take Professional Responsibility/Ethics. But I’m done with the 1L curriculum! Hoorah! Property was everything Con Law was not–well written (though I still found a few typos, but maybe I’m just oversensitive to them), capable of being finished within the time allotted, but with enough issues that I could have kept writing if I needed to. It was almost (gasp!) fun.

As much as I wish every exam went so well, or was so pain free, I know that simply can’t be possible. Still, I know I did at least my part to make the experience unpainful. I think, then, on that note, I’ll post something on taking exams. Sometime. But not today. The sun is shining, I have a party to go to tonight, and I have a full week left to take my remaining two exams. Things could definitely, definitely be worse.

Con Law is over and, folks, my professor did the worst thing possible. She wrote a question that covered an issue we spent less than a full class on. Which basically negates any advantage extra studying may have given me. All advantage, gone. Combine her crappy fact pattern with the multiple-choice questions (which weren’t proofread, because there were typos) with the stupid paper we had to do, and my Con Law grade just went swirling down the toilet.

OK. Maybe I’m being a little black about the whole thing. At the very best, though, her exam was a complete disaster. At the worst, it was a GPA-wrecker. Color me sad.

But that’s the last thing I’m going to write about Con Law, EVER. EVER EVER EVER. At some point today, I’ll do some property. But for right now, I’m just enjoying reading some celebrity gossip and finding odd garden decorations.

I am just so ready for tomorrow’s exam to be over. That’s not to say I think I’m ready to take it, though. Last semester, I reached state of burnout a couple of days before my Contracts exam. I had no confidence in my abilities, and I was sure I hadn’t learned anything.

That’s how I feel today. I feel completely lost. Yesterday, I felt pretty good about Con Law. But today, I took at look at my professor’s exam from last year, and now I feel pretty wretched. My plan of attack feels week. I’m not sure I understand where I should approach Constitutional powers from. I’m just really worried. I know I know the tests and the terminology, but I’m not sure I actually understand them. And unlike last semester, I don’t have an extra day to spend building my confidence back up.

I’m going into tomorrow’s exam with a great sense of trepidation, and I don’t like that.

I guess the harried pace of the last three days was worth it. I finished a super-short Con Law outline today, the kind that runs with my analysis of a constitutional problem, and I completed an edit of my flowchart, that mirrors the short outline. I even took a practice exam today, and it wasn’t awful. Whew!

Tomorrow should be interesting. Practice exams in the morning, some review of multiple choice questions (since half our exam will be multiple choice questions), and an early dinner. Mr. Angst and I are going to see a show tomorrow night!

When we bought the tickets back in January, I didn’t realize (a) that the show was the night before my first exams and (b) that that first exam would be in the class I grew to hate. Of course, now, I’m almost glad. It will be a very nice break from the evil that is Con Law. Also, frankly, if I don’t know what I need to know by tomorrow night, three more hours of cramming won’t fix it.

This exam season feels well underway. We shall see how it continues. My bitching about Con Law will only last for a day or so more (tomorrow, plus, perhaps, a post-mortem on Monday); and then I’ll be moaning about Property. I really wish I had something more interesting to write about. Maybe I’ll post a review of the show we’re seeing. Or maybe I’ll post some more recipes. Or maybe not.

THIS is exactly what I need right now.

First: cookies. YUM. Second: peanut butter. Also YUM. Third: NUTELLA. We all know how I feel about Nutella. Also, as an added bonus: ice cream, M&Ms, and caramel sauce.

Con Law continues to be shitty. Yesterday’s pissiness over the paper fiasco, though, has morphed into a fervent drive to learn every inch of Con Law, and f**k my professor’s inability to teach it to me. I feel very zealous. And every good zealot knows that cookies, peanut butter, Nutella, ice cream, M&Ms, and caramel sauce are soul foods. Excuse me, I may have to go find 3000 calories and consume them.

Why do I find it oddly appropriate that my Con Law outline is finished–and it’s 66 pages?

Now to begin the long process of refinement. Bleeding eyes, my friends, bleeding eyes.

We had to do this silly paper in Con Law earlier this semester, right when many of us had briefs due, and when many of us had other obligations to fulfill because of involvement with student organizations and the like. The paper was written in groups, and the groups were randomly assigned by our professor. And everyone worked pretty hard, though some people didn’t, and everyone figured the standard for grading would be pretty reasonable, since we were all told not to use any material except what had been covered in class. We were told that it should be like “a 24-take home exam, except you have two weeks to write it, and you get to write it in a group.”

We got comments back on our papers today. Note: not the papers themselves. Just substantive comments on the papers. And a grade, which is 35% of our final grade. And then we received a spreadsheet with the grade distribution for the class. Over half of the class got an A of some stripe, with fully 25% getting an A or an A+. And the rest didn’t. The difference between one letter grade and another was one (1) point.

What this basically means is that anyone who fell into the bottom 2/5 of the grade distribution can kiss an A goodbye. Not because those people might not be able to ace the exam, but because acing the exam probably won’t be sufficient to push them above some of those people in the top 2/5, who, after all, start out with “perfect” scores.

Our professor told us the paper was supposed to take some of the pressure off of us for the exam, which might have been the case if everyone got an A. But of course, just because 35% of our grade is already determined does not mean we don’t feel the pressure to do well on the exam. Those who got lower grades are now freaking out, trying to cram in enough information to do super-well on the exam and bump their grades up, while those at the top are freaking out, trying to cram in enough information to keep their A’s. Which, of course, the curve will not allow. Some not insignificant portion of the class will get a grade that is more than one letter grade lower than their paper grade, because the curve demands it. Frankly, that’s almost worse than starting out with a lower grade.

I don’t have a problem with mixed forms of assessment over a semester–I think it’s a good pedagogical method. But to work, the grades need to be handed in well before three days prior to the exam and students need to be able to be accountable for their own work–either by being in self-selected groups or by writing individual papers.

I spent much of the day studying with a friend. We did a combination of silent-study-in-the-same-room and hey-I-have-a-question-let’s-hash-it-out-study. And that worked well. But she had a meeting, so I found myself at a loose end.

I could have gone home. Mr. Angst is in class and it would be quiet there. But we get the afternoon sun, and the AC in our building is STILL not on, so I would be uncomfortable. Plus, I think this is the time of year when it’s really important NOT to crawl into a study hole and not come out. I figured I needed to be around people.

So instead of hunkering down at home, I’m in the library. There are people around. I can look at them, they can look at me. We can wave weakly at one another as we slowly die inside. I won’t talk to any of them–we have work to do, after all. But at least I’m not alone.

Oh my God.

I have a sinking feeling that if I made myself work on my Con Law outline for more than 20 minutes at a time, my eyes would start to bleed. I don’t hate Con Law–not like I’ve hated other subjects, like Chemistry, or Calculus (I’m sensing a trend). I just cannot force myself to dig back into my notes from what was a horrible class. All of the boredom I felt during the semester comes flooding back when I read my notes. Usually, my notes are gentle reminders of confusions (and sometimes insights) I had during the semester. These notes are painful, dry, dull reminders of more than 36 hours of my life I can never get back.

:::whimper:::

My Con Law exam is on Monday. I was thinking this morning that I could probably finish my outline today–I’ve only got 8 more weeks of notes to get through. Now I’m thinking I’ll be lucky if I finish by Sunday evening.

Dear School,

I know that, during the school year, many student choose to study at home or at coffeehouses or in other places besides the library, the atrium, or the general vicinity of the school. But, once classes are over, we all like to be at school as we study. It’s a convienient meeting place for study groups, most of us keep most of our books here, and we feel more studious when we’re at school. And, frankly, School, you know this about us.

Why, then, can’t you make it possible for all of us to be online at the same time, while at school?* Why, in the two-and-a-half hours I spent at school today, working on my Property outline, was my network connection disconnected no fewer than 10 times? Why was my network connection so lousy that I could not update a 5-minute NPR podcast on iTunes?

It’s just disappointing, School. The crappy wireless has run me out and now I won’t be as productive as I could be. If my grades suffer this semester, School, I’m blaming it all on you.

Posting, wirelessly, from home,
kristine

[* Yes, internet access is critical while studying for exams. See, I can IM my friends and ask them about obscure points of Property law, I can look up cases on Westlaw, and I can check my email to make sure there are no important updates from my professor. Internet access is crucial while studying.]

Duckies, classes are over.

The semester is not over, of course, since I still have four exams and the writing competition. I also have a myriad of administrative things to take care of, like my financial aid paperwork (though I already did my FAFSA) and my summer employment paperwork (more on that later, since I haven’t really posted about my summer job).

So, the next three-and-a-half weeks will be a bit stressful. I’ll get through ‘em, though. And exams certainly aren’t as scary this time around as they were last time–I’ve done them, I know what I face. Still, I have a lot of prep to do this week, and I haven’t even started taking practice exams yet. Eek!

But that first sentence remains true. Even though I face more than three weeks of stuff, I am done with my first year of law school classes. Hot damn!

I have only to get through the rest of today. Then I can drink coffee again! I’ve spent the last few days trying to figure out, numerically and theologically, how I could move that up, but nothing has worked out. The fact is that Holy Saturday is the 40th day of Lent (since Sundays don’t count), and Easter begins, at the very, VERY earliest, tonight, with the end of the Great Vigil services. And I’m too old to be drinking coffee at 10pm anymore and still expect to get any good sleep.

So tomorrow morning, I’m planning to get up, make a big pot of my Community Coffee (support them! They’re doing GREAT things in New Orleans and southern Louisiana), and savor it. I fully expect to be totally jittery during church. Frankly, I’m OK with that.

Tomorrow’s Easter feast will probably get its own post, if it turns out OK. I’m using a Cook’s Illustrated recipe from several years ago for a roasted boneless leg of lamb topped with a parmesan and bread crumb crust. Along with it will be spinach wilted in bacon fat with garlic and balsamic, a pan of GFPs (Good Effing Potatoes, a brunch tradition from Our Old City, always made by one of our friends) and, for dessert, whiskey bread pudding. My lavender Easter suit will not fit when the day is done, but that’s OK. It’ll just go back in the closet until, I don’t know, some other holiday when it’s OK to wear a pastel linen-and-silk suit.

But until then, I’m working on my Property outline. Or should be. Exams are much too soon for comfort. This week will be very busy, I think.

I’ve had my last Property class. Ever. Unlike my disbelief last semester that I had learned enough Civ Pro to be allowed to not take it anymore (though, of course, I am taking more of it), I can totally accept that the Property I’ve learned this semester is enough to last me the rest of my legal career. No, really! And, actually, this afternoon, I will finish Civ Pro. This time, I fully believe that I’ve absorbed enough of it to move on and take other classes.

Maybe that’s just an experience thing–I know more this semester, and I know how to absorb information more efficiently. Maybe it’s just that I’m tired, and need a break. Whatever the case, my first year of law school is all but over. And that seems right. This semester has just flown by, but in looking back, I definitely feel like I’ve been here a year. (An academic year, that is.)

Exams are coming up. I’m a little nervous that I haven’t done more work on my outlines, that I haven’t really synthesized stuff yet. But today, as Prof. Property talked to us about the exam, and about his expectations, and about what approach we should take, I felt a little bit of calm. I know how to take exams. That process, at least, is not so scary anymore. Sure, I need to figure out what to put in my exams–learn the law and all–but I’m not freaked out about the actual mechanism.

Two semesters in, I’m still sure that I picked the right path. Law school is for me. I hope the next four semesters slow down a little, though. I want to enjoy it while it lasts.

1. I had to eat my soup at lunch with a fork. I’m sure there’s a metaphor for life in that somewhere, but I’m not really inclined to come up with it right now.
2. I just saw someone in my afternoon class who I’ve never seen before.
3. Our school will allow us to upload our exams via the internet this semester. This is a good thing for me for one very important reason: I can never remember to bring a blank disk with me on exam day. Because I’m an idiot, I guess.
4. I find it hard to believe that tomorrow marks the end of the semester for two of my classes (two others meet the final time on Monday). As someone said to me at a student organization meeting, “I can’t believe we’re talking about the 1Ls, and they are not us” (in reference to planning for the fall). Trippy, man, trippy.
5. There’s an alleged trend that people’s grades go down second semester of 1L, and I am starting to understand why—the weather is so fan-freaking-tastic right now that the last thing I want to do is sit in the library and work on outlines. And it’s too bright to use my computer outside. Plus, I really need a tan. So, yeah, I may be screwed this semester.
6. My professor just walked in, so I’d better stop posting and get ready to learn. :::snort:::

How can I possibly have this much work to do, and so little time in which to do it? I have Con Law to read for tomorrow and Monday, Property reading for Thursday and Friday, a response paper due by the 18th (for Property, but based on a reading from several weeks ago), a movie to watch for another class and, oh yes, outlines to finish. Egads, I may be screwed.

Yet oddly, I cannot motivate myself to do any of it. I just want to sit, or sleep, or watch TV. So tired. So ready for the semester to be over.

It’s hard to believe that, in one week, my second semester of law school (and my first year of law school) will be over. Oh, OK, I have finals after that. But I’ll be done with my 1L classes. Required classes will be completed, legal writing will be a thing of the past (actually, that was true once Moot Court was over).

So I want to take this opportunity to write about a few things I learned this year. It’s worded more like advice, but it’s really stuff I wished I’d had written down last year, stuff I could have looked at when things got really crappy.

Law school is no harder than any other school. The thing that makes law school worse than other school (note: NOT harder) is that it requires you to be one hundred times more organized if you want to keep your head above water. While some things in law school are relatively easy to bullshit, you can’t bullshit your exam. And to be able to NOT bullshit your exams, you have to be organized all semester. At least, if you’re me. I’m sure there are some students who never go to class and never read and never study and manage to do well (or at least fine), but most of us have to do some preparation. That may not mean going to class every day, or doing every bit of reading, or even outlining. But you can’t do nothing (like a lot of us did in college, while still getting A’s). You have to do some work, whatever work works for you.

If you make law school the only thing you do, you will not be happy. You have got to have a life outside of school. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to meet people outside of school–frankly, that’s hard, given the amount of time we all spend at school, and with the same group of fellow students. But you can’t make everything about law school or you will get sick and tired of it all a lot quicker than necessary. Me, I joined student organizations that were completely non-law related–the a capella group, the law school musical. Yes, the people in those groups are law students, but we don’t do law things when we get together. Instead, we sing, we dance, we have fun letting our hair down. I have a husband, too, and that helps me have a balanced life. But you can have a balanced life even if you don’t have a significant other outside of school. You just have to be conscious of it. Go see movies, go to concerts and museums. Join a church or a synagogue or volunteer with a local food bank. Do something that is not sitting in the library studying, or working out. Remember, you are a whole person, and the law is not enough to feed you.

Even if it’s hard, you have to keep your perspective. Law school grades are curved. That, frankly, kind of stinks. It means someone will always be below the median, and it means that someone might sometimes be you. Don’t let the competitiveness take you over, though. Don’t make grades your end-all, be-all. As above, get involved with student organizations. Take on leadership roles. Volunteer for stuff. Get to know your professors. A well-rounded resume is a good thing. Face it–most of us won’t be in top percentiles of our class. But if your resume has nothing on it but your grades, you won’t be very memorable for employers. Stand out from the bell curve by doing things that you enjoy that give you opportunities to shine in other ways.

Finally, enjoy yourself as much as possible. Make friends. Eat at good restaurants. Drink nice beer sometimes, and drink cheap beer when that’s all you can afford. Go dancing. Celebrate local holidays. Have parties. Go to parties. Live it up. Law school is hard, but it’s still school. And when it’s over, you have to go to work. Don’t rush. Take time to smell the roses and all that.