divine angst

Fitzy and Milby—they’re the cheesiest!

1. What’s your favorite cheese?

That’s a mean question to ask. What if I hurt some cheese’s feelings? I don’t want to make any of them feel bad.

Plus, every cheese is good for something different. Homemade margarita pizza? Fresh mozarella, of course. Grilled cheese sammiches? Shredded sharp cheddar. Cocktail food? Brie baked in pastry, or cream cheese smothered with raspberry chipotle salsa. Meatball subs? Provolone. I could go on, but you get the picture.

Wait…I get it. This was a TRICK question. Nope, not gonna fall for whatever trick you’re trying to pull. I like ALL cheese. Do you hear me, Cheese Gods? I like it ALL!

2. Cheesy movie: If you were in Top Gun, what would your call sign be?

Whiz Kid? Shorty McFlies Fast? I could never really have a callsign; my vision is too bad and they’d never let me NEAR a cockpit. Hee hee. I said cockpit.

3. Big cheese: Tell us a boss story — best boss, worst boss, a time when you were the boss, etc.

I plead the fifth. You realize this is my last day of work, right? Like I’d actually talk about bosses on my last day of work. Karma, man, karma.

4. Say cheese: Are you a photobug? Are you photogenic? Or, in 1000 words or less, tell us about your best picture.

I like to take pictures, but I am not very good at it. I am fairly photogenic, but only if I’m prepared for the picture. I’m not usually prepared, so there are scads of photos out there of me with my mouth open or my tongue sticking out. I don’t know what my best picture was; my wedding pictures were pretty beautiful, but so was my high school graduation photo. Sometimes, you just get lucky.

5. Just cheesy: What’s the worst pick-up line you’ve ever used, or had used on you? Did it work?

I don’t use pickup lines. Of course, I don’t have to, I’m married. Worst line ever used on me? Hell, I don’t know. I think I heard all the really bad ones back in my single days. I do remember being at a bar with my best friend once and some guy started hitting on her. After he’d been talking to her for a few minutes, he pulled a piece of ice out of his drink and started sliding it up her leg. That was seriously gross and neither of us could figure out why he thought that was a hot thing to do.

Fitzy and Milby are at it again!

1. What five things should you never buy used?

Towels (except beach towels that will only be used on the beach)
Sheets (for use on a bed, not as ghost costumes)
As a general rule, shoes and beds, though I can definitely see exceptions
And finally, underwear

2. Sony BMG just ended a payola investigation by settling with New York Attorney General Elliot Spitzer. So let’s engage in some reverse payola: What song or artist would you pay to never have to hear again, and how much would it be worth to you?

That Rico Suave guy, or maybe the Achy Breaky Heart guy. Either of them.

3. In honor of the new Bad News Bears: Did you ever play little league, or other organized youth sports?

No. I did participate in gymnastics, but my congenital lack of flexibility hampered me from doing well, so I stopped. I did a lot of dancy-type things, which I think are plenty athletic, but they don’t really count as organized youth sports. (I think I did play on my elementary school’s soccer team and volleyball team, but that was almost an extension of PE since we didn’t really have extra practices outside of school.)

4. What was your biggest fashion faux pas?

Crunchy bangs.

5. In honor of all our readers who took the Bar Exam this week: What was the hardest test you ever took?

Hell, I don’t know. In college, I had to take two comprehensive exams (one for each major, dontcha know) and those were pretty brutal, but they weren’t HARD, in the sense that there were questions I couldn’t answer, so much as they were long and exhausting. (I think we had something like six, maybe eight hours to complete them. I moved all over campus for the first one, trying to find a place where I could concentrate. I eventually locked myself into a study room in the library and worked for four hours straight there.)

By BTQ.

1. Why did you start blogging?

I think I answered these questions once already, like a year ago. But I’ll try and answer them again. Maybe things are different now.

I started blogging in the very first place because it was a cool new thing to do with computers and the internet and I like being an early adopter of cool technology. This is why I’ve been a Blogger user since November of 2001. I blogged for a while, then stopped because I didn’t have anything to focus on, then started back up again.

I started THIS blog to chronicle the law school thing.

2. Are the reasons you blog now the same as when you started? If not, what’s changed?

No, my reasons aren’t the same. I started blogging because technology is cool; I blog now because this is a medium for me to get some writing done (though I seem to be writing shorter and less-well-thought out posts lately, I’m working on that) and also because it is a journaling medium.

3. What would make blogging better for you?

I honestly don’t know. Sometimes blogging would be better for me if I had a constant focus, and that focus provided enough fodder for me to write an entry a day on. That’s not the case right now. Maybe that will change once school starts.

4. Do you have comments on your blog? Why or why not? Do you comment on other blogs? What motivates you to post a comment?

Of COURSE I have comments. I LOVE comments. Comments exist to keep me writing about the right things. And to extend the post into a conversation.

I do comment on other blogs, and for varying reasons. Sometimes I just want to comment on how good a post is, sometimes I want to actually get into the content of the post and debate it a little.

5. What is your philosophy of the blogroll?

The blogroll is my list of blogs I think my readers should check out. Not all the blogs I read are on my blogroll, some I keep to myself. And some blogs I read aren’t on the blogroll YET, but will be soon enough. Since I use Bloglines for my blogroll, I can go through my subscriptions every now and then and see who I’ve been reading and enjoying that I think should go on the roll. Sometimes I go through and notice a blog I subscribed to just to see what their content was really like, but I find I don’t really read it that much or it’s not the kind of blog I thought it was, and I unsubscribe. But none of that takes place on the blogroll. The blogroll is a list of blogs that have already been vetted.

(That’s not to say I love reading all the blogs on my roll. But I think they’re all worth your time, even if just for a glance.)

From the BTQ boys.

1. What time do you go to bed? What time do you wake up?

I usually turn off the light around 11 pm. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later, but generally, around 11. I wake up at 7:30 during the week. On the weekend, it depends on whether or not I have choir or plan to go to the pool or something fun like that. If I sleep in, I might stay in bed as late as 11:00, but I’d say 9:30 or 10:00 is more the average.

2. What do you want done to/with your body after you die?

Haven’t really thought about it, thanks. But I’m not keen on the idea of embalming or of sticking my embalmed body in a hyperbaric chamber under the ground. I do like the idea of cremation; I also like the idea of a green burial.

3. Describe your dream house.

Space for everything without being empty. Cozy without being cluttered. Other than that, I don’t have a lot of requirements. Hardwood floors are nice. So is central air. And a good neighborhood with good schools, but I think that’s a given.

4. Are you an excellent driver? Do you speed, or drive the speed limit? Ever been ticketed?

I’m a pretty good driver. Right after I got my car (after college), I had a string of accidents—fender-bender type accidencts—but it’s been years since I hit another car. I have had two speeding tickets ever; the first was fair, the second was not (I was following traffic AND I was on the way to pick up my wedding dress. Cop didn’t care. Totally uncool). In general, I speed a little—maybe three-to-five miles over the limit on city streets, and no more than 10 over on the highway. I’m not a patient person, remember? Also, if I have any sort of expired sticker—inspection, registration—I don’t speed at all.

5. What is your favorite animal, mineral, and vegetable?

Animal: puppy, Mr. Angst
Mineral: Is iron a mineral? How about the minerals in our tap water that make my hair so frizzy?
Vegetable: Broccoli, summer squash, asparagus, tomato (I say it’s a veggie, so there), avocado, snow peas, sweet peas….I could go on.

As always, brought to you by Fitz-Hume and Milbarge.

1. Tropical Storm Cindy and Hurricane Dennis are causing trouble in the Southeast this week. Share a natural disaster story.

I grew up on the Gulf Coast, but my hometown hasn’t had a significant hurricane in over 20 years. Still, we always evacuated. I remember the year we took off for my aunt and uncle’s house, seven hours away, and my grandfather bitched about having to leave. For a while, we thought he’d just refuse to get in the car. He insisted he’d be fine just moving his armchair into his bedroom closet. At any rate, we left, had a lovely weekend away, and when the hurricane didn’t actually hit our town, we drove back—through county after county under tornado warnings (result of the hurricane, of course).

There was also the summer I was a camp counselor and it started to rain the day before the end of the session. It rained for 48 hours straight, and I don’t mean drizzle. When we got up on that last morning, when the kids were all supposed to go home, we could see the river from the dining hall. (The riverbank was a good 50 yards from the dining hall and the water level was usually 20 feet below the edge of the bank. That morning, though, the water was right up on ground level.) On the other side of the river…oh, who am I kidding? We couldn’t see the other side of the river for the LAKE that had appeared overnight.

So we had kids who didn’t get home till somewhat late that night because their parents couldn’t get to them because of numerous low water crossings. We had some parents who got as far as the nearby town and got stuck at the last low water crossing before camp. Luckily, one dad had his ENORMOUS truck that was more than capable of making that crossing, so, for a few hours, he ferried kids over to their folks.

2. What is your favorite work of art?

The work that is probably most moving for me is Guernica. I don’t know if that makes it a favorite or not.

3. Do you squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle or the bottom?

From the top when it’s full, the middle when it’s less full, and the bottom when it’s getting empty.

4. What is your favorite “cult” film?

I HATE these “favorites” questions because when you ask, I can’t think of any. Besides, what counts as a cult film? (Besides Evil Dead, but that’s not a favorite of mine. I mean, it’s OK, but not something I want to watch every month or so.) So my answer is I don’t know.

5. Would you go into space if given the chance? Where would you go?

Eh. Maybe. I think I’d probably like to just orbit. If I went into space it would be for the perspective rather than the adventure of it. If we could ever get humans out to where we could look at nebulae and the like, I’d enjoy that.

As always, via BTQ.

1. Is Tom Cruise correct that we’re not alone in the universe?

I really have no idea. On the one hand, I’m reminded of Jodi Foster’s line in Contact (the Carl Sagan movie, and by the way, the book is much more politically interesting than the movie, and I say that as someone who likes to watch that movie at least once a year, and yes, that is kind of sad). Paraphrased, she says, “If we’re alone, it’s an awful waste of space.” And that’s a good point. But I’m also constantly astounded by the remarkable “coincidences” that had to take place for life on Earth to come to be.

For the record, I don’t have trouble reconciling the concept of extraterrestrial life with my faith. But I’m not convinced by the statistical argument (which is the one Tommy boy was using). I think life is more than just the intersection of the right conditions. So there could be life out there, but I don’t believe the sheer size of the universe mandates it.

2. What is a fashion trend that you would like to see go away, and what is a fashion you would like to see come back in style?

God, please take away the knee-length pants trend. I know it’s barely hit the public, but any trend that requires the wearer to have the body of a twelve-year old boy can NOT be good.

I’d like to see that fifties-inspired, nipped-in-waist with flowing skirts thing come back. It was all the rage a few years ago (remember Julianne Moore in Far From Heaven?), and that style looks AWESOME on me. Bring it back!

3. I was going to ask what city will win next week’s vote on the host of the 2012 Olympics, but everyone knows it’s going to be Paris, so I decided to tweak it: What city that you have visited (or lived in) would be a good Olympic host city, and why?

Um, I don’t think I’ve LIVED anywhere that would be a good Olympic host city, except MAYBE New York, and only if they can get their act together and stop whining about things. Visited? I say none. I tend to visit cities that are hugely congested and difficult to get around in (Rome, London) or bucolic and quaint with no real resources for millions of visitors (Florence, Oxford). Man, I need to do some more traveling.

4. Happy Canada Day to our readers in the Great White North! In light of that holiday, and our own upcoming Independence Day, tell us your favorite Independence Day memory. (And yes, those of you in other nations can use whatever national holiday you celebrate.)

Two years ago, Mr. Angst and I went to the upper Midwest for July 4. We watched terrific fireworks over the Mississippi River (and I think there’s another river that intersects up there) and, in general, had a great time. Then we went over to New York City and walked our feet off. Literally—Mr. Angst had bleeding blisters-on-blisters.

But that’s not my FAVORITE July 4 memory, of course. My favorite memory is of July 4, 2000, when I MET Mr. Angst at a party. I was in the pool, he and his friend had their feet dipped in the water, his friend flipped me off, it was great fun. (Really, it was. Someone tried to surf in the pool and nearly took someone else’s head off.) But the real point is that I met Mr. Angst on July 4. We didn’t start dating right away, but we’d met. The rest, as they say, is history.

5. The Supreme Court ruled this week on one set of commandments, but we want to hear yours. What are the Ten Commandments of [X]? Pick a topic and reveal its ten most important rules. Phrasings with “shalt” appreciated but not required.

How about the Ten Commandments of the Workplace?

1. Thou shalt not micromanage thy employees.

2. Thou shalt not tell inappropriate jokes to thy co-workers, no matter how understanding thou thinkest they are.
3. Thou shalt not offer fun summer events and then cancel them at the last minute.
4. Thou shalt not coerce uninterested employees into being on committees they are not interested in.
5. Thou shalt pay well.
6. Thou shalt offer reasonable amounts of vacation time.
7. Thou shalt not question thy employees when they take sick days. Have faith in thy employees and thou shalt be rewarded ten-hundredfold.
8. Thou shalt keep thy employees informed of network outages that are critical to their job performance.
9. Thou shalt endeavor to keep the soda machine full of diet offerings when thy department is more than 3/4 female.
10. Smile daily.

(Disclaimer: all commandments are fictional and any similarity to the author’s workplace implied by said commandments is purely coincidental.)

In case you’re wondering, yes, we do consider it our fate to wander the Earth like Caine from “Kung Fu,” doling out insipid questions so we’ll have something to blog about. This week’s wisdom, channelled via meditation from Master Po:

1. What’s your favorite season?

Spring in Texas. With wildflowers and perfect temperatures and mornings that aren’t too early, but yet are early enough to wake you up in the morning with the light glinting between the blinds. And evenings that aren’t too early but early enough that you can enjoy a warm, breezy sunset right after dinner, while you drink a glass of wine.

2. Do you have a green thumb?

So, no.

3. What is your favorite sport to watch? What is your favorite sport to play? Do you have a sports hero?

I absolutely love to watch college football. Preferably in person. (Not such a fan of any sports on TV, unfortunately.) I generally enjoy playing any sport as long as there’s no expectation that I will be any good, and I’m not playing with people who might hurt me because they’re so much bigger than me. (This is why I don’t play in the family “touch” football game at our fall family reunion. The men in the family are too competitive and way too much bigger than me.) I don’t really have a sports hero.

4. Which would you rather be: Mayor, Governor, Senator, or President?

Queen Bee.

5. What are ten must-own items for single men and single women?

Didn’t we already discuss this at E. Spat’s?

Ok, I’ll do it again.

Women:

1. At least one piece of really good furniture that you purchased for yourself, that wasn’t handed down from someone in your family. Maybe your first good bed, or a beautiful antique side table—buy it yourself.
2. The perfect little black dress that fits just right in all the right places.
3. A really excellent hairstylist who knows how to work with your hair and what will complement your face.
4. A simple-to-make but fantastic-tasting recipe suitable for all kinds of company—family, a date, girlfriends.
5. Speaking of girlfriends, have a bunch, but make sure you’ve got at least one that you can call when you need to bitch and on whose shoulder you can cry.
6. A doctor you trust and like. Staying healthy is so important.
7. A really good pair of tweezers. Yes, they make a huge difference.
8. Good cookware. Yes, it also makes a huge difference.
9. A library card. Everyone should have one of these, in fact, single or not, female or not. Being well-read is important.
10. A sense of humor and a willingness to laugh at yourself.

Men:
What are you talking about? I’m not a man. Why would I know what a single man needs? I’ll leave this list to someone else.

Ladies and gents, another round…

1. Which relationship will last longer, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (”Brangelina”), or Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (”TomKat”)?

I hope Brangelina, but the way the world hates me, TomKat will live far beyond the limited life it deserves. I really dislike Tom Cruise.

2. Less importantly, which will have nuclear bombs first, North Korea or Iran?

North Korea. They suck.

3. What is your dream car?

RIght now, anything with a working air conditioner (though for the weekend, I’m perfectly happy without A/C or a car, being in Our New City with its wonderful weather.

More seriously, I’d love an Acura TSX.

4. What book have you read the most times?

Alice in Wonderland? The Diary of a Young Girl? The Once and Future King? Any of the Narnia books? The Susan Cooper series, The Dark is Rising? This is totally hard to answer, because I reread books a lot.

5. Are you a matchmaker?

Not one little bit. I don’t even bother anymore when people ask if I have single friends.

Without fanfare, here are Friday’s questions, courtesy BTQ:

1. What is the earliest movie you remember watching in the theater?

Honestly? Triumph of the Ewoks. (Oh, wait, that wasn’t the name of that movie? You want to know what’s saddest about the fact that this was the first movie I clearly recall seeing in the theater? It was the fact that, besides the Ewoks, of course, the biggest thing I remember was Luke and Leia finding out they were siblings. Isn’t that a weird thing to remember?)

2. If you could strike one word from the English language, which word would you choose and why?

See, you ask these questions, but I never can come up with these sorts of answers on the spot. I’d be more likely to scream out a shitty word while driving in traffic or watching Everybody Loves Raymond. Still, I guess I should pull an answer out of…somewhere. How about smegma?

3. If you were a superhero, what would be your kryptonite?

Bad grammar? Putting apostrophes after plural non-possessives? Misspelling the name of a major award?

4. Would you rather win an Emmy, Grammy, Tony, Golden Globe, Oscar, Pulitzer, or Noble Prize? What work would you win it for?

I want the Noble Prize. For being noble in the face of overwhelming opportunities to cat on someone or something for doing something tacky. Or for using bad grammar. Yeah, that’s the ticket. I’ll rack up a tremendous record of NOT snarking on people for inflicting me with bad grammar, poorly used apostrophes, and misspellings. And my nobility will impress the world and they’ll give me the Noble Prize.

5. What is your catch phrase? Don’t have one? Then make one up!

Well, at work, they used to think it was, “I can live with that,” but I was asked to stop saying that because it sounded “negative.”

Friday Spies: Uhm, yeah, we started at the regular time today. It’s not a half day or anything.

Via Fitz-Hume and Milbarge, who proffered this lame excuse for the late questions: “Alarms didn’t go off, snooze buttons were hit, people overslept. It happens. I apologize for the delay, but the upside is that readers contributed all of this week’s questions. Enjoy!”

1. From Janie Q: “How about your favorite tv show when you were a kid, and why hasn’t it been remade into a movie, or if it has, how was that movie, or maybe it shouldn’t be remade at all?”

Hee! Favorite show as a kid? The Dukes of Hazzard. I am sad to say that it, however, is being made into a movie, a very wrong movie with a very wrong, ever-shrinking, dumb blonde portraying the savvy, brunette Daisy. Phooey on them, I say!

2. Stag asks: “Tell us about your favorite vacation or your fav place to go on vacation.”

I covered this one in my essentials post, and those choices still stand.

3. Soup inquires: “Are you a fan of Get Fuzzy?”

Hadn’t seen it till now, but it looks like something I could become fond of, if I had time to add a cartoon to my daily dose of blogs and news.

4. Sebastian Haff has a burning desire to know: “[Which] celebrities [do] you think are most likely to pose in Playboy and why[?]”

I’m searching my brain for the names of B-list actresses who will jump on the “it’s all for my career” bandwagon and pose for Hugh. But I’m coming up short. I will say this, though—despite the hopes of a million dirty old men, the Olsen twins are never going to pose for Playboy. They’ve already got more money than God, so there’s no incentive. Sorry.

5. Energy Spatula gets to the heart of the matter with the final question for the week: “Why don’t you write about which one [Fitz-Hume or Milbarge] is a huge liar?”

You know, this is a good question. First, we have FH’s deliberate misrepresentation of himself as a metrosexual when, in fact, he’s just a good old boy who likes to shovel some s**t. And Milbarge? With his “oh, I CAN’T blog anymore, I just CAN’T, and I CAN’T tell you why!” but then coming back two months later? I think they’re both full of it.

From Fitz-Hume & Co. (now featuring the triumphant return of Milbarge!)

1. What is the best thing about the city in which you live? What is the worst?

Best? The overwhelming amount of cool stuff to do—music, food, museums, outdoor recreation. There’s just a lot of stuff here that’s really cool.

Worst? The summers are DAMN HOT. And there’s not a graduate program here for Mr. Angst, hence our upcoming move.

2. Describe an idea or invention of yours that you would like to see turned into reality.

Um. Can I get back to you on this one? I have these sorts of thoughts all the time, but they, of course, completely escape my mind when you ASK about them. That’s probably why none of them ever become reality.

But if I could remember any of them, I guarantee they would all have something to do with making my life easier. Like, ways to remind myself of things I need to do, that I invariably remember while I’m in the car and can’t write them down. Even better, I’d love a tool to transcribe whatever I’m babbling aloud into a nice text file. Because I talk to myself in the car. It’s a way for me to hash out ideas. Or some tool that would let me work in bed without having to juggle books and a laptop and a bottle of Diet Coke.

Basically, anything that allows me to be more productive without becoming less lazy.

3. Name an overrated author, musician, and movie. Name an underrated author, musician, and movie.

Overrated Author: James Joyce. I barely made it through A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. To my mind, any novel that is renowned for being difficult not only to understand but just to GET THROUGH (I’m looking at you, Ulysses) is just not worth the hype.

Overrated Musician: Norah Jones. Yes, I love her music, but my eyes are open to the fact that very little of her music is, in fact, HER MUSIC. She is like almost every other pop starlet—her breakout first album was carefully crafted by a team of producers to showcase her vocal talent. She’s a singer, just like all the other beautiful young singers. When she puts out a successful album of music she’s written, then I’ll reconsider her musician-ness.

Overrated Movie: 2001: A Space Odyssey. I just don’t get it.

Underrated Author: Jane Austen. I think there’s still a great feeling that Austen’s novel are just sort of Victorian fluff, nice to read and fun to analyze, but without much social or political merit. I think that’s incorrect. To be fair, this view seems to be waning—more and more serious scholarship is being written on Jane Austen’s works—but there is still a pretty significant stigma associated with, for instance, MEN reading Austen and enjoying it.

Underrated Musician: Neil Diamond. Yeah, he’s cheesy. Yeah, he’s easily mock-able. But the man is a PERFORMER. And his tunes are catchy and fun to sing along with—and he’s attracted a multi-generational following. I won’t apologize for loving the Neil.

Underrated Movie: Out of Sight. Just because it has J. Lo and Clooney in it doesn’t mean it’s not a good movie. I liked this movie a lot, but most people saw the posters and the trailers and thought it would be awful. I thought it would be awful. But it’s not.

4. If your life were a sitcom slated to air in the fall, what would the show be called? Who would you cast in the starring role? And for extra credit, give us a brief treatment of the show.

My life isn’t really sitcom worthy. Seriously. Can I have a cooking show instead? How about “Electric! Cooking Without Gas!” I’ll have guests every now and then—college students and apartment dwellers who try to eat well though equipped with crappy cooktops. We’ll have hijinks involving grease splatter and overcooked chicken, and at the end of every episode, we’ll order Chinese.

5. When is the fun supposed to start?

Would you believe that I didn’t see this movie until about three years ago? Pretty sad. Of course, one of my favorite bars used to show movie clips and the pool scene was one they showed A LOT. Ah well.

The Friday Spies questions this week were inspired by the popular “Would You Rather?” game, Each question presents a choice between two possibly unappealing options. Please explain would you rather:

1. Live alone on a deserted island for 10 years or be paid to live at Neverland Ranch with the King of Pop for one year?

I would so pick the deserted island. C’mon. Free tanning? Check. Health food only? Check. Time for contemplation? Check. Versus, what, constant mind-spamming with crass commercialism and Jackson memorabilia? Desert island, totally.

2. Be deaf or blind?

I am totally a visual learner, so I guess I’d have to say deaf. I love music and I love to sing, but I am convinced that, because of the way my brain is wired, I would never be able to learn Braille. Sign language is visual, so I think I’d learn that more easily.

3. Have skin which changed color depending on your mood or visible sight lines?

Hm. This one is tricky. Probably the skin color thing. My moods are pretty apparent anyway. (Of course, I’m not really good at disguising where I’m looking anyway, so neither one of these would really cramp my style.)

4. Spend a year in prison or a year on tour with Celine Dion and John Tesh?

Yeah, I’ll suck it up with Celine and John. Maybe I can coax them into some practicing some medieval polyphony with me.

5. Have threesome with your close friends or with total strangers?

Um, neither?

Via BTQ

I missed the email this week somehow, but here are the Friday Spies© anyway.

1. If you could change any element of your physical appearance, would you? If so, what would you change? If you could change any aspect of your personality would you?

Yes; I’d make my feet smaller; no, I am delightful as I am.

2. Name a good make-out song (I believe the kids these days would call that “baby-making music”).

You know, I don’t really like the whole idea of “making out music.” It just doesn’t make sense to me. You can’t enjoy the music fully when you’re necking, and you can’t enjoy the necking fully when you’re trying to enjoy the song.

That being said, I like soft, romantic music for date nights in—Norah Jones, Nat King Cole, Sinatra.

3. What did Britney say to Kevin when she found out she was pregnant? What was his response?

“I did it! I did it! Now I’m finally a real woman! Forget that “not a girl, not yet a woman” shit! I can make a baby!”
“Oh, crap. That’s another shortie. Man, I thought this one was gonna be fun for a while.”

4. Did Oswald act alone?

Of course not. Didn’t you see Zoolander?

5. Are you superstitious? Do you believe in luck, karma, fate, the supernatural, etc?

I don’t really believe in the supernatural, really, but I do believe in luck and in karma; I also believe that there are things some people are more sensitive to than others, which accounts for people with “psychic” abilities.

I survived the body shots, the bad tacos, and the pinata bashing. (Actually, I didn’t do anything for Cinco de Mayo, which makes me a BIG LOSER, but I digress.) Here are your Friday Spies©, courtesy of Fitz & Co.

1. What is a food you have tried but will never eat again, and what don’t you like about it?

There aren’t many foods I won’t eat. Even foods I once hated. To wit: I think I am ready to try eating Brussels sprouts again, even though I despised them as a child. I have tried just about any kind of sushi a chef can put in front of me. I enjoy liver and onions. I am sure there is a food I won’t eat again, but it’s not a food I was traumatized by such that I remember it.

Edit: LQ reminds me of the thing I will never eat again: tripe. Specifically, menudo (not the boy band). It’s just icky in the mouth. Sort of slimy and rubbery at the same time.

2. What are your five favorite possessions?

My engagement/wedding rings
La iPod
My KitchenAid food processor
An out of print, hard copy of The Jerusalem Bible, the best translation ever
My childhood teddy bear, who no longer has a nose or ears but is still the best bear ever.

3. How do you deal with confrontation? Do you seek it out or do you avoid it? Are you more apt to be the confronter or the confronted?

Urk. I am not a huge fan of confrontation. I very, very rarely incite confrontation unless I’m just really pissed off. (The guy who was supposed to buy our bed? When I talked to him on the phone about it, I laid into him, but I was seriously mad. That was a big exception to my usual M.O.) When confronted, I try to smooth things over as much as possible, which is probably not a great personality trait, but I really don’t like people to be mad at me.

4. What will Michael Jackson be doing five years from now?

MJ will be the next Howard Hughes. He’ll be living on the top of the castle at Disneyland (secretly, of course, because it will violate the conditions of his parole), but he’ll never leave. He won’t have contact with anyone except a food taster and a couple of valets who will keep his domicile clean.

He will, of course, peer out the turret windows at the crowds below, but he’ll have become so agoraphobic that even his basest instincts will be foiled by the terror of going outside. Thus, all the children will be safe again.

Now, he’ll have to pay a hefty chunk of change to the Disney people for the privilege of living in the castle. He’ll get his hands on that cash by selling his share of the Beatles’ catalogue—to P. Diddy.

5. What is the worst movie sequel ever made, what is the best sequel ever, and what movie should have had a sequel but didn’t?

Worst sequel: I don’t know if it’s the worst sequel, but it’s the best sequel completely ruined by bad acting: The Godfather Part III
Best sequel: Empire Strikes Back. Arguably better than the original.
Should have had a sequel: I don’t think any great movies need sequels. After all, a great movie is one that is self-contained, whose story is complete, without the need for more stuff. Of course, if we’re talking about ANY movie that should have had a sequel, not just great movies, then Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo definitely needs a sequel. Wait, you mean it’s already getting one?

Via the boy(s) and girl at BTQ.

This week we’re going to change it up a bit. Instead of five lame questions, Friday Spies is going Karnak-style with five lame answers:

1. Archibald Leach, Bernard Schwartz, Lucille LeSueur.

I’m casting a movie, and I need a real ladies’ man in the title role. He needs to be sensitive and dapper and he will, preferably, have a permatan. This will be to offset the leading lady, who will totally emasculate him. I’d like her to have a sort of scary, drawn-on-eyebrows kind of look. Oh, and they’ll need a best friend/neighbor guy, someone the leading man should worry is hopping in the sack with his woman, but for some reason, never will suspect. He’ll also be the comic foil. He may put on ladies’ clothes at some point in the film.

It would be really helpful if these were all completely unknown names. Who should I cast?

[Ed: I see now that I am not well-versed enough in TV trivia to have gotten the reference. I still stand by my question, though.]

2. To get to the other side.

Why did the chicken sell or give away half of her worldy goods, move with the rooster to the smallest one-bedroom apartment known on earth, and sign away her life for more education?

3. Drugs. Massive quantities of drugs.

What is the best gift someone could give THL right now?

4. Milbarge.

Who’s the black private dick that’s a sex machine to all the….oh, wait. Wrong question.

5. Without question, the single most idiotic thing ever thought up by the human mind.

What is Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper?

From BTQ:

1. Which Simpsons character are you most like?

Lisa. I admit it. I’m too uptight sometimes and when I act out, it’s usually to do something that’s not all that bad. I’m a huge geek, deeply fairly insecure, and horribly often misunderstood by many of the men in my life. (Not Mr. Angst. Just my dad and brothers from time to time. And my sister. And stepmother. Oh, nobody understands me. I’m a tragic figure.)

I don’t, however, play the saxophone.

2. Name a song you hate that is performed by a band you like. Name a song you like by a band you hate.

I don’t like this question. It makes me feel inadequate in my music knowledge.

3. What skills do you possess? Nunchuck skills? Computer-hacking skills?

I sing. I’m lightening fast with an Excel spreadsheet. I’m a crack editor. I cook. But I do not do plants and I do not sew, preventing me from being the ideal woman.

4. Coen Brothers or Farrelly Brothers?

Seriously? I have to choose? Look, when I want a movie that will make me think a little more—but also probably have some funny (if dark) moments (and I’m not sure if Miller’s Crossing has any of those, but it’s still amazing)—I’ll go Coen. When I want to wet my pants with laughter and completely zone out in front of a movie with a beer, I choose Farrelly. I can’t have one without the other. It’s not in my nature.

5. What do you predict will be the worst part(s) of the new Star Wars movie?

Is JarJar going to be in it? If not him, probably Natalie Portman, since Lucas doesn’t seem to understand that she actually needs, what’s it called? direction. I’m actually pretty excited about all the Palpatine/Anakin stuff that’ll be going on, but that’s largely because I figure Ian McDiarmid knows what he’s doing and Lucas can’t muck his scenes up too badly.

1. What names did you consider for your blog?

None. I had/have another blog that I have stopped posting to, and it had a crappy name. When I started the whole law-school-application-nightmare I wanted a place to chronicle it all, and I wanted it to be more long-term, so I spent some time coming up with a name I actually liked. I wasn’t clever enough at the time to come up with a clever Latin name or even a name that was law-related but this name is unique at least and I really like it.

2. What is your favorite adult beverage and why?

If the options were always good, I’d drink wine all the time. In the absence of good wine selections, I’ll choose a good beer; in the absence of good beer, I’ll take a vodka tonic most of the time and an Irish Whiskey some of the time.

3. If you could cancel 3 televisions shows, what would they be?

Urm. I don’t know. Daytime TV sucks, so there are a few of those shows I’d can. Most primetime sitcoms are wretched also, so I’d get rid of a few of those, too. And then I’d toss all the shows on the Food Network that aren’t actual cooking shows. I don’t really like those “all about cookies/barbecue/soda” shows.

4. You’ve been asked to host SNL. Which cast would you choose to work with, and who would you choose as the musical guest?

I’m torn between the early cast—Gilda, Jane, Bill, Belushi, et al—and the great early 90’s cast—Phil, Kevin, Farley, Rock, et al. Maybe I’d mix and match those groups, and throw in Farrell because he rocks. (NB: I saw a guy at the airport yesterday wearing a shirt that said “More Cowbell” on the front. I want one!) As for the musical guest, it would need to be someone fun and funky—none of this standing-at-the-microphone and singing soulfully stuff. Contemporarily, even though I am not a huge fan, the Black Eyed Peas would probably be fun (and I’m sure they’ve been on, though I don’t really watch anymore so I can’t say for sure). I really don’t know.

5. What will Britney Spears name her baby and which three names will she consider and reject before settling on the “winner”?

Oh, honey, you are going to get flak no matter what you name this poor child. If it’s a girl, I say she tries for clever and cute, but then ruins it by adding something to the end. So, like, Gaia-Lynn. If it’s a boy, the poor thing will end up being called Devan or Mykall or Rian. I hate alternate spellings of normal names. Poor Brit-Fed spawn.

From the, um, boy and girl at BTQ:

1. James Bond or Austin Powers?

James Bond all the way. Look, Austin is funny, but he grates. For a while, he’s a sympathetic character and then he goes too far and gets annoying. That’s not to say that I didn’t often think Roger Moore needed someone to rescue him from his line readings, but God knows Sean Connery always did it well. (And by “it” I mean anything.) And Pierce Brosnan also does suave know-it-all like nobody’s business. Bond, James Bond, all the way.

2. What is the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for someone?

Mr. Angst and I had been dating for about six months. He always likes to carry a handkerchief, but the ones he had were boring—like the kind you buy off the shelf at Penney’s. So I bought him a pack of monogrammed linen handkerchiefs. No particular occasion, it just occured to me that he should have new handkerchiefs with his initials. He still carries them.

3. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie. Her actual favorite movie is?

I believe it is this.

4. What is the perfect rock-and-roll song?

I don’t know, but I believe this is the perfect country and western song.

5. So what really happened to Milbarge?

None of us know this, but several years ago, Milbarge signed on as a sleeper for the CIA. He figured it was just a way to pay off his undergraduate loans, and was certain he’d never be called on. After all, his sleeper identity was a roller derby coach, and how many international terrorist plots involve hot chicks on skates? (Of course, deep down inside, Milbarge always hoped he would get called up, just for the hot chicks on skates.)

And that’s exactly what happened. Homeland Security caught whiff of a nefarious plan. Under the auspices of an international roller derby league, a Chinese roller derby team (really, rejected ex-gymnasts) convinced a group of badass American, Catholic-schoolgirl-skirted skaters to smuggle them into the country. The Americans thought they were helping a group of repressed women, but the Chinese were actually using the Americans to get into the US so they could corner the world gymnastics coaching market.

And that’s where Milbarge comes in. With only a few weeks before the big USA v. China roller derby match, the CIA needed him right away. Milbarge came straggling home from work late on March 31 to find two guys who looked like Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones sitting in his darkened living room. They told him to pack up and report at his new station in 24 hours. He was to present himself at the American Roller Derby Training Rink immediately. He’d be posing as the team’s new coach. All the details were arranged—even his judge had been told he had a family emergency involving the death of a family pet in an industrial accident. Milbarge accepted his orders and relocated across the country.

So Milbarge is out there, somewhere, sneaking a few minutes of Internet access a day to post the occasional comment—but he can’t blog anymore. It’s against his sleeper agreement. The Chinese are due to arrive in the next two weeks, at which point Milbarge has to turn them, so they’ll coach only the US gymnastics team. If he fails, we’ll never hear from him again. If he succeeds, he’ll be back before the World Series.

Good luck, Milbarge! God bless America!

Courtesy of the BTQ Boys

1. Have you ever been in a car wreck?

Yes. More than one. Let me pick the exciting ones.

There was the summer I worked at camp, and a bunch of the other counselors and I had an afternoon off, so we went into town. We had lunch, we went shopping, and then we headed back to camp. Except the girl who was driving was a moron. There were five of us crammed into the cab of her truck and she full-on rear-ended another truck—one of those ones with a solid steel bumper—and got her front bumper caught under his rear bumper. I banged my knee up good on the dash because, being the smallest, I had had to ride on someone’s lap. The Beastie Boys were playing on the radio and to this day I don’t like to listen to the Beastie Boys in the car because I think it’s bad luck.

Wow! That was a fun story to tell. The other ones aren’t nearly so much fun, so I’ll just tell one more. I was about six months out of college, working my first job. I was lucky that I lived in an apartment that was on a bus route that took me straight to work, so I never drove to work, ever. Except the bus route was really a campus shuttle route and, once classes and finals were over, it stopped running for the whole of Winter Break.

So it was the first day of Winter Break and I had to drive to work. And I didn’t really know how long it would take me and I thought I was running late so I just got in my car and went, without properly defrosting the windshield. In any other situation, this probably wouldn’t have been a problem, but I had to go through an intersection that was notorious for its poor visibility because of the sun—basically, the road dips down to go under an overpass, and the sun would always be rising right OVER the overpass, meaning that as you drove toward the intersection, you couldn’t really see anything except a big white glare.

So yeah, I hit someone—my driver’s side front fender crumpled right into his passenger side rear fender. The front right side of my car was a wreck and his frame was bent. To make it better, he had the flu, had just gotten his car back from the shop for another accident, and was supposed to pick up his fiancee and take her to work. Yeah, I ruined his day. It took a month and a half to get my car back, during which time my dad let me drive his extra car—a ten-year old Cadillac with deep tinted windows and gold trim. I was afraid to drive it in certain parts of town.

2. Sunrise or sunset?

I don’t get to see the sunrise very often, but when I do it’s always special. When I was a kid growing up on the coast, there were certain times of the year—I think usually right after Daylight Savings in the spring—that I could watch the sun rise on the water on the way to school. I always loved that.

3. If you could change, amend, delete, or pass one law, what would it be?

I’ll go serious, and declare that anyone who wants to marry any one other person should be allowed to do so. Then I’d start planning a couple of weddings.

4. What is your favorite single article of clothing?

My black, three-quarter-sleeved (with a notch in the sleeve) crew-necked cardigan. I wear it everywhere. Mr. Angst has promised to burn it. I will never let him.

5. If you could/had to spend the day hanging out with another blogger (one you don’t already know), who would it be and what would you do?

This is tough! Right now, I need a little more fun in my life so I think I’d see if E. Spat was up for going out, getting drunk, and looking for Cabana Boys. Any other girl bloggers are welcome to join!

From the guys at BTQ:

1. What blog, other than your own, do you read the most?

Um, I don’t think I spend any particular amount of time on any particular blog. I aggregate everything, so I read when there’s a new post. If a particular post looks like it’s going to generate a good comments convo, I’ll return often, but only till it passes. Basically, blog reading is like a buffet for me—I don’t spend too much time at the mac and cheese or the salad bar, and I make sure I stop by each station at least once so I don’t miss anything.

2. Are you a gadget person? Do you have the latest thingamajigs and whoozits and geegaws? What sort of gadgets do you own?

Oh, good God, yes. I am SUCH a gadget person. That being said, I don’t necessarily have the NEWEST gadgets at any given time. In fact, I almost always buy my gadgets right before they’re about to be obsolete—or at least upgraded. Like, I bought my Palm Pilot right before the nifty color-screen Palm Tungsten came out. I missed the boat there! I bought my iPod right before they all got a size bump. Damn! I even bought my computer—a G3 Powerbook (Pismo)—right before Apple came out with the cool Titanium Powerbooks. I’m always slightly behind the curve. Of course, I usually get a kick-ass deal on all this stuff, so I can’t complain.

However, my cellphone is about four years old and is a hand-me-down from my brother. Cellphones are one place I just can’t see the value added. I don’t need a camera or even a color screen. All I need is a decent interface for entering numbers and sending the occasional text message—and a clear, strong, signal.

3. If I gave you $1000 on the condition that you couldn’t spend it on something responsible (e.g., bills), or save it, what would you do with the money? (Can you tell that a Democrat is asking that question?)

You just CANNOT ask this question of a soon-to-be law student with some bills to pay. You can’t! If I had to do something fun with it, I guess I’d take a vacation. Probably go out to Tahoe and ski for a few days.

4. What are your five favorite sitcoms of all time, other than “Seinfeld” and “The Simpsons”?

These are sitcoms I liked when they were on. Some I still like, some I don’t:

The Dukes of Hazzard, M*A*S*H, Golden Girls, Friends, and Scrubs

So, I do NOT apologize for enjoying Golden Girls. I DO apologize for enjoying The Dukes of Hazzard, because when I catch on CMT nowadays, I see how truly awful it was. And I do NOT apologize for enjoying Friends. Even in the bad seasons when Ross was the MOST annoying person ever and you just couldn’t understand why Rachel would even CONSIDER getting back together with him. M*A*S*H and Scrubs are just good, always and forever.

5. Organize a film festival based on a theme. Choose a theme and a handful of movies with that theme, and tell us what you’ve chosen.

Theme: Movies about women that make me cry

Terms of Endearment: Shirley MacLaine and Debra Winger and Jack Nicholson and OH MY GOD the most tearjerking movie EVER. The perfect movie for two good girlfriends to sit and watch with a bottle of wine.

Steel Magnolias: Sally Field, Shirley MacLaine again, Olympia Dukakis, Dolly Parton, Darryl Hannah, and Julia Roberts. Same as above. Always reminds me of college.

Beaches: Such a quintessential girl movie, with lots of crying and sadness and it’s not a GREAT movie, but if I want to go on a nice little crying jag, this one will do it.

Little Women: No, I don’t think Winona Ryder was a very good choice for this film, but they managed to pull it off. This movie came out back when Clare Danes wasn’t a husband-stealing starlet, so I still had respect for her, and Kirsten Dunst was still an annoying brat a la Interview With the Vampire. Christian Bale is in it, for God’s sake. And Gabriel Byrne. So, some serious yum AND a good crying scene.

The Virgin Suicides: Kirsten Dunst is the only known actress in this film (well, unless you count Kathleen Turner, but eek, no thanks). And it’s really a movie about the boys who watch the Lisbon sisters from afar, but it still counts and gets to play in my film festival.

Now, you may look at the slate of films for my festival and say they are pedestrian or lowbrow or even cheesy. But it’s MY film festival, and I want dozens of women weeping in their seats. So there.

1. Who is an author whose work you’ve never read, but want to?

I’m not sure I can think of any authors like this; usually if I want to read something, I read it. I will admit that part of me wishes I could say I’ve read Ulysses, just because it’s such a bear of a book, and I think that will impress people. But the Joyce I’ve read doesn’t make me really want to read it, I just think it will impress people.

But I’ll pick someone. Today, I’d say Chuck Palahniuk, because my friend Emily constantly raves about how great his stuff is. Even Mr. Angst liked Fight Club (although he said he thought the movie was better). If not Palahniuk, then Kerouac. I know, it’s awful, I’ve never even read On the Road. (Sorry, SG.)

2. Can men and women be friends?

I used to think so until my two best guy friends from high school stopped calling me. In both cases, I suspect their girlfriends had a little something to do with it, but I can’t say that with 100% confidence. It may be that they, having girlfriends, decided they couldn’t be friends with me on their own. I honestly always thought I’d be friends with those two guys forever. Now I can’t even find them on Google.

I do think men and women can be friends, but I think the situations where that can comfortably occur are not common. It is true that the sex thing does get in the way, so it’s probably easiest to be friends with a member of the opposite sex if you’re both involved with someone else—seriously involved, like married. I think that makes it easier. Which isn’t to say that two unattached people of the opposite sex can’t be friends, but it’s probably harder to maintain. And then, if either of them does meet someone, the new significant other will invariably have a hard time understanding the friendship. And then you get my two best guy friends ditching me after a decade and a half of friendship.

So, maybe.

3. If you could choose to live in a different time period, would you? If so, when would live and why?

I’m not sure I’d want to live in a different era. I think I fit into this time period pretty well. I think life in Victorian England would be interesting to experience, but I seriously doubt I’d want to stay there. Ditto for the American West in the late 19th century—interesting, but not a place I think I’d want to live forever and ever. At least in the latter, I’d have some freedoms as a woman, freedoms I could just forget about in the former time period.

4. Have you ever sold anything, bought anything, or processed anything as a career? Have you ever sold anything bought or processed, or bought anything sold or processed, or repaired anything sold, bought, or processed, as a career?

Probably.

5. They’re going to make a movie about your life. What’s the theme song?

“You Can’t Always Get What You Want” by the Stones. It’s the rest of the chorus that keeps replaying in my mind lately: “But if you try, sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.” Yeah. That’s my life right now. I am trying to get what I need, despite all the things I want.

Thanks for the questions, Fitz-Hume and Milbarge!

Update: Per Scott at L³, the new title of this feature is Friday Spies©.

OK, the © is just a funny. The fact is that Milbarge has been doing this Friday Five thing for a little while. So far, he’s restricted it to Fitz-Hume. Until now. I’m getting in on the action. Here are mine:

1. Tell me what’s in your desk drawers right now.

Top drawer: one of those organizer tray thingies, holding a myriad of paperclips in various sizes, some Post-its, several highlighters in various shades that I never use, a pair of scissors, thumbtacks, a nail file, pencils, and pens.

Middle drawer: eighteen thousand plasticware packets, all sans spoon, from when I go to the gourmet grocery and get soup for lunch.

Lower drawer: a tupperware bowl and a box of Quaker Raisin and Spice Oatmeal, some file folders, and a coffee cup.

2. How many states have you visited or lived in, and which of the others do you most want to visit?

create your own personalized map of the USA

I have lived in Tennessee, Texas, and New York. I guess I’d like to visit Alaska and Hawaii, but I’d also like to get up to the Pacific Northwest and then the Atlantic Northeast.

3. What was the last CD you purchased, and what was the last movie you rented/bought a ticket to?

I honestly couldn’t say on the CD—it’s been a while since I bought a CD. Does the Horowitz CD we bought my father-in-law for Christmas count? As for movies, the last movie we bought tickets to was a little thing called, “A Star is Porn,” a sort-of documentary about porn that showed just the non-sex parts of a sampling of adult movies. Pretty funny (the clips from “Edward Penishands” were hysterical, as were the clips from “Lord of the Dildo”). We last rented…um…”Napoleon Dynamite,” I think.

4. Have you ever sung karaoke? If not, what song would you be willing to sing in front of people?

OK, if you’ve perused my archives, you may have noticed that I sing in a choir. And I’ll admit it—I’m pretty proud of my voice. Pride goeth before a fall, though, and that’s why I avoid karaoke.

Basically, whenever I try to sing karaoke, I get really concerned about picking a song that’s good for my range, that I know the words to, and that I won’t screw up. Because I actually do sing. I know, this is insane—it’s karaoke! It’s supposed to be fun, and you’re supposed to make an ass of yourself! But I am afraid of making an ass of myself with my voice, so I usually end up picking a Patsy Cline song, because I like her songs and I know them and they’re (mostly) in my range. But they’re slow, and boring, and not really fun at karaoke. So lately, I just watch—one of my friends sings “The Highwaymen” and does all the voices, and it’s hysterical. Much more fun than me.

5. What was the best concert you’ve ever attended, either because of the performance or because it was otherwise memorable?

I don’t know….the one that comes to mind is the Vertical Horizon concert I went to in high school. My friends and I were the only people there. It was at a bar in our hometown, and I guess they just didn’t market it very well. It was pretty cool, though—we sat around afterward and chatted with the band some.