divine angst

I haven’t updated in a while. So here’s what’s going on.

First, I started work this week. That entailed lots of orientation sessions involving things like benefits, computer systems, and cost-effective online research, getting my office set up, and jumping into a kick-ass first assignment that I LOVE LOVE LOVE but that will probably have me in the office tomorrow.

Second, I passed the bar! Yes, this is exciting. But I got that awesome assignment basically twelve hours after finding out I passed the bar, so I just switched gears into being excited about my assignment instead of passing the bar. Also, once you pass the bar, I think it just becomes this thing you’ve done, and then don’t really want to think about anymore!

So things are good! I really like my job, and I’m really excited about that. I’ve always been a little ambivalent (and admittedly, cynical) about the big firm thing, and I am really pleased to see that I am enjoying law firm life—and that I am really enjoying the work. Of course, I’m a little astonished that I’m already anticipating going into the office on the weekend, but the situation is a bit special and I don’t think it’ll be the norm. I hope it won’t be the norm. I do kind of feel like I’m getting a crash-course in work-life balance, and I think that’s good. I want to figure out now how to prioritize and how to maximize the time I have where I am, whether that’s office time or family time. That way, in six months, when I’m even busier with multiple matters and my time is even tighter, I will know what works and what doesn’t, what creates problems and what doesn’t.

So that’s what’s going on with me. How about you?

I am human again.

After consuming not-too-much-wine on Wednesday night, I fell into bed at midnight, but woke up promptly at, yes, you guessed it, 6 am. I rolled over and went back to sleep, but it wasn’t a very good sleep, and I was up by 8. Which was OK. I spent most of the day at the spa being pampered, though I won’t go back to that spa for the nail services.^[1] But never mind the nail services—the 90-minute massage was worth every penny, plus the generous tip I gave my massage therapist, and the facial was also terrific. I am not one of those people who ever finds a facial relaxing—hello, digging at my pores? Relaxing? No way!—but I don’t expect relaxation, I expect clean, glowing skin. And I got it; my skin looks terrific. Those two services alone really did the trick for me, leaving me feeling just relaxed and just pampered enough.

And since my massage therapist pounded the tension out of my back, I slept like a ROCK for 10 hours last night. Today I’m awake, refreshed, and, having nothing on my schedule but to go do some shopping, I’m thinking that feeling isn’t going to go away.

I may post again tomorrow, but probably not; and after that, I’m not sure I’ll be back. First, I’ll be on my bar trip, getting away to the tropics for some quality sunshine; after that, I don’t know what else I have to write about. I’m not as down on the blogging thing as I was way back in May, full of the stress of having just graduated with the bar yet looming before me, but I’m also quite happy to leave on a high note. I’ve started feeling an obligation to blog again, and that’s exactly what I don’t want—if I’m writing here, it should be because I want to be writing. I don’t know if I’ll want to be writing, much less if there will be any stuff going on in my life that I can write about.

Anyway, to everyone who took the bar this week, CONGRATS! It’s over; we can all forget about it until the results are out sometime this fall. To those who haven’t taken the bar, it’s not as awful as I’ve made it sound. It’s just an endurance race. Schedule a spa day after your bar^[2] to flush all the tension from your skin; it’ll be worth it.

Until whenever!

1. My fingernails don’t take to polish very well, and I need a really careful manicurist to give me nails that will last more than a couple of days. Despite my manicurist saying her French manicures can last for 10 days with nothing more than a quick reapplication of top coat, I am already chipping this morning on the edges. I had a manicurist tell me once that I have very oily nails and they have to be properly and carefully prepped for polish. Notably, that manicure was the only French manicure I’ve ever had last more than a few days. So, anyway, it was a fine manicure, but I won’t have the polish in a couple of days, I can already tell you, and it was too expensive a service for me to pay for that myself. (I had a gift certficate for most of my services this time.) ↩
2. I think the spa I went to may start offering a bar exam package—one of my techs told me I was the second post-bar-exam client she’d seen yesterday, and then she started getting really excited about the possibility of a package just for us. I’m honestly not sure what to think about that. ↩

So I’m done with the bar. I’ve consumed approximately 1/3 (give or take) of each of two bottles of wine (which I guess is 2/3 give or take of ONE bottle of wine), a very good steak^[1], and now I have nothing to do but laze around until tomorrow at about 10:30 when I leave for my spa day. So, really, I have nothing to do for the next two days but transport myself the six or so blocks to and from the spa (handy that), in between which I get a full DAY of I-have-nothing-to-do-but-be-pampered. Sweet.

Since I’m talking about my future-beyond-the-bar, let me offer my opinion about what it is about the bar that is SO awful. Because it is not the amount of work compressed into a tiny period of time—I went to a college that required comprehensive exams in each major, so TWICE in my last semester, I spent an 8-hour day regurgitating information onto a screen (luckily that was an option even way back in the stone ages when I was in college) with no real idea of what might be asked. Thankfully, I managed to learn enough stuff to answer the questions and graduate in both of my majors (even though I did not comp with distinction, but c’est la vie, I had other shit going on). But I had eight hours each time to work at my own pace and answer the questions that were given and, while I used up my eight hours, I didn’t have to sit through INSTRUCTIONS.

Yes, the part of the bar that is the worst is the INSTRUCTIONS. If I have to hear one more time how I cannot have sunglasses or headwear that is not of a religious nature, or any other item, including books, papers, study materials, aids, or any other similar or dissimilar items near me at my seating location, I might just have to hurt someone. Also awful: the BOREDOM. There is the boredom involved with hearing the instructions for the fourth time. There is also the boredom of realizing I cannot write anything more on these essays because I (a) don’t know what I’m saying, (b) don’t want to erase something right for something wrong just because I THINK I didn’t know what I was saying earlier or (c) I couldn’t care less, BUT the bar examiners in my state won’t LET ME LEAVE YET.^[2] The boredom of sitting and watching the clock for fifteen minutes when you know looking over your answers is futile and NOT in your best interests because you don’t know any more now than you did twenty minutes (or an hour or two hours) ago when you first looked at the question, thought carefully about it, and answered it, is UNBEARABLE. And you can’t sleep because you had too much caffeine so you’d be alert for the damm BAR EXAM. Boo.

OK, I have more wine to drink.

1. I won’t say a great steak because I have a hard time calling a steak great. My steak was cooked as I wanted it, and the texture was great, but flavor was just OK. So it was a very good steak instead of a great steak ↩
2. Yes, I know in some of your states, you can leave as soon as you are done and want to leave. Not us. If you finish early, you have to STAY UNTIL THE TIME IS UP. This, folks, BLOWS. ↩

Day 1 is over. There will be no thinking about, talking about, rehashing, reliving, or other mental dwelling-upon of the day. It is over.

On to Day 2.

Today is the last day. I’m trying to take advantage of it, without burning myself out. I went to Starbucks for a while, had some tea, read some essays and essay answers. Then I grabbed sushi for lunch (fish = brain food), reading essays while I enjoyed my food. Then I went to a different Starbucks and tried to read some more, but that Starbucks was hosting a staff meeting of Starbucks employees and they were LOUD, so I came home, took a shower, and now I’m reading more essays.

I don’t think there’s anything more I can do at this point—even reading these essays feels sort of futile. Futile is maybe a little more defeatist of a word than I’d choose, but I can’t think of a better one. I doubt anything I read today is going to make a serious difference in what I write down tomorrow, and it’s possible that things I read today could psyche me out for tomorrow. So maybe I should stop reading essays!

The plan for tonight is to eat a healthy dinner, pack up all of my stuff for tomorrow, and get to bed early. My packing list includes:

• 1 laptop computer, with two batteries installed^[1]
• 1 laptop power adapter
• 1 power strip^[2]
• 1 pair earplugs
• 1 analog watch^[3]
• 1 hoodie sweatshirt in case it is cold

Other than that, I’m planning on setting up the coffeemaker before I go to bed so I can just hit the button in the morning. I’m hoping that that will ensure I drink coffee at home instead of on the way, giving me plenty of time to process it, as it were. I don’t want to face the bathroom break dilemma.

In the morning, I plan to get up bright and early, turn on the coffee, get dressed, eat breakfast and drink the coffee, take 2 Aleve to preempt any RSI twinges, and get in a cab by 6:45 am. I have to be in my seat by 7:30.

Good luck to everyone taking the bar tomorrow!

1. I’m using Mr. Angst’s laptop, and it has an extra battery that slides into the optical drive bay. With wireless turned off, I can get a full 5 hours of use from the sucker just on battery. I hope I won’t need that, but it’s good to know in any case. ↩
2. I’m allowed a 6′ extension cord, but I couldn’t find one that would take a three-prong plug, as my power adapter has, so I’m going to take my power strip, which will accommodate a three-prong plug, and is about 5.5′ long. ↩
3. Just my normal watch. ↩

I keep watching that countdown over on the side there, and wanting it to go faster.

Because as long as there are days left on the damn thing, I still have time to study. And I don’t want to study anymore. I want to stop studying. I want to take the damn bar exam, go out for a couple of bottles of wine and a steak, spend the next day at the spa, the day after that shopping, and then go on my first real vacation in four and a half years.

What’s funny is that the bar has become this final hurdle before I can take my life back. After the bar, I’ll be able to do things I haven’t really done since before law school. I’m not saying I was always the most diligent at studying or at keeping up with my obligations—lord knows I procrastinated my fair share!—but I always felt like Law School was looming over my head. I haven’t enjoyed life enough, I don’t think, for the last few years because I always knew that when I came home from enjoying life, I’d have work to do, work I could have done yesterday.

I don’t think real life is going to be much different in most respects—I will always have things to do that loom over me and they will probably consume more of my time than law school ever did. But real life will differ in one key way: it will be separate. When you’re a student, you don’t have an office or a boss or a set schedule in any real sense. The work is always there and you always have to get it done, and you will always take it home with you. I am sure I will have days where I bring my law firm work home with me, without a doubt, but I also think having an office and a boss and a set schedule will make me less likely to live my work. If I have to work on a weekend, OK, but that work will be determined on an as-necessary basis—working on Saturday will be my choice rather than a requirement^[1] I can get back to enjoying cooking as a process rather than as something to rush through so I can eat and get back to work. Mr. Angst and I can go to the beach, take the dog on long walks, hang out and enjoy each other.

So that’s why I want to get the damn test over with. Because I’d like my life back.

1. Yes, I know, this sounds pretty naive. I realize that there will probably be stretches of my career where working on Saturday WILL be the norm because of the matters I’m working on, and I am OK with that, to a certain extent. The point is that, pretty soon, work will be a place I GO TO rather than a state of mind. ↩

So I’ve been saying I’ve hit the wall every day for the last three days, but today, I think I actually hit the wall.

I finished doing my mini-outlines (full of lovely jargon for super astro points), I’ve done several sets of MBE questions (but not the evil full-day MBE practice test, boo), looked at some essays, and I am, frankly, just tapped. I don’t really know what else I can do. I haven’t exhausted the materials, unfortunately, but I don’t know how to summon up the energy to even just read through some of the sample essays. I just feel done. Not ready, but done. It got so bad today that, after finishing my last mini-outline, instead of staying in the zone and doing some sample essays right then and there, I had to get up and go clean. Given that I was in the library, you’d think that would be a hard task—but you’d be wrong. Because I had three issues worth of books checked out to the journal to return, so I did that. And my locker was full of stuff that needed to be thrown away, donated, or brought home. So I took care of that. And there were things to be returned to fellow students (who have not graduated). So I returned those things to their mailboxes.

And in the process of doing all of that, I basically cleaned out my law school life. I have no reason to go back to the law school now (except that I have some books to return to a professor, who wasn’t there today, because, duh, it’s Saturday). I don’t have a locker anymore, I don’t have any books checked out to me or to me-by-proxy. Which means that the only thing standing between me and (gulp) real life is the bar exam. (And a week-long vacation, of course.) I am not a student anymore.

I’m really pretty sure that doing all of that stuff right now, today, two days before the bar exam, was not the smartest thing I’ve ever done. Because I’ve essentially replaced one reason to be anxious with another. Ack.

The question is:

Am I actually capable of putting together my mini-outline of secured transactions RIGHT AFTER putting together my mini-outline of commercial paper?

Yeah, I didn’t think so either.

Dear people in my life,

Thank you for your voicemail/email/wall post this week. I appreciate knowing that you are thinking of me.

I’m sorry for not returning your voicemail/email/wall post. I am just not communicating with individual people right now. Status updates are occurring only by blog post and Facebook status messages.

Yes, I am actually alive, and taking care of myself. I’m eating three meals a day and not overconsuming caffeine or alcohol or ice cream. I’m getting approximately 8-1/2 hours of sleep each night and I’m even showering most mornings. I promise I’m not overstressed (though I have my moments) and that my mental state is stable, perhaps even normal, if not completely healthy. Hey, what can I say? It’s the bar exam.

Yes, I promise I’ll call you/email you/post on your wall after the bar exam and before I leave for my bar trip. I promise. This is really the last hurdle. You’ll start hearing from me more regularly very soon. I promise.

Love,
Me

Via a source:

The practice exam questions in Volume 2 (specifically the full-day exam, but probably also the half-day exam) are questions that are older, out of favor, and perhaps obsolete, and are designed for high percentile scorers who only want additional practice. They are substantially harder than the mock MBE Bar/Bri administered a few weeks ago.

Relief.

‘Splain please.

I took the half-day MBE exam in Volume 2. I got a 58%. Part of that may have been that I was just tired, but I can’t imagine that was the only factor. Why? Because I did another mixed subject set in Volume 2 and got 88% correct. ^[1] WTF? I seriously don’t understand! Do they deliberately make the practice exam questions HARDER? Going by the mixed sets, I’m doing OK (going slowly, reading carefully, eliminating answers one by one); going by the practice exam, I’m seriously in trouble.

Anyone else noticing this?

1. I had seen some of those questions before, on the Study Smart software. Of the NEW questions in that set, I still got 88% correct. ↩

. . . I’m moving away from doing questions on the computer in the Study Smart software. Using the computer that way encourages me to go too fast, read too quickly. Consequently, I just did a mixed set in Volume 2, and got 77% right. Far cry from the 52% scores I’d been pulling on the software.

1. The released questions make me happy. Really, really happy. I don’t feel stupid when I do them.
2. I do better on essays when I trust my instincts. I think it goes like this: use the jargon for the most points, get the idea for the next most points, and finally, guess if you have no idea. When I trust my instincts I usually end up in the middle there. The middle is good.
3. I’m still in panic mode but I don’t feel as wrecked as I did earlier today. I think, however, I may need to take tonight off. I’m getting plenty of sleep but I’m still waking up tired because my sleep is so interrupted by bar panic.
4. For instance, last night I had a dream about shoes, namely about buying shoes, which I love to do and which usually makes me happy. But my dream had my shoes being taken away from me for (completely wrong and inexplicable) constitutional law reasons. This is bad. The bar is turning even my good dreams into nightmares.

I am pretty sure, right now, at this very moment, that I am going to fail the bar. I have been doing a lot of focused studying in the last few days, and sometimes I feel good about where I am, but mostly I feel just miserable. I am doing DEPLORABLY on my practice MBE questions. I am doing just so-so on my practice essays, and definitely not good enough to outweigh the serious deficiencies in my MBE scores. And the worst part is that I honestly do not know how to improve this situation. I have been doing mixed sets of questions—mixed subject and mixed difficulty—with the Bar/Bri Study Smart software, but now I wonder if I should instead be doing single-subject, single-difficulty sets. I write down the nuance-y things in the explanations that caused me to get a question wrong, because writing it down generally cements things in my brain, but it’s just not working lately. And the worst part is that, at least half the time, when I look at a question where the answer depends on making a judgment call about the facts, I genuinely—and usually strongly—disagree with the explanation for why my cast on the facts is “wrong” and Bar/Bri’s is right.

What should I be doing? I seriously thought I was in trouble with the essays—having done several over the last few days, I’m not as concerned as I was (though I’m definitely not done doing practice essays…not by a long shot, especially if that’s where I have to pass the bar), but now I am deeply distressed over my MBE performance. DEEPLY. Should I be doing the released questions? Are there other resources I’m not using right now that I should be? What should I be doing right now to improve?

I’m sequestered today, reading through the two subjects that I am least strong in—Commercial Paper and Secured Transactions.^[1] After hours staring at the repetitive string of words in the Secured Transactions mini review outline, I have finally decided to just give up on nuance and try to remember the biggest rule: between two perfected interests, if you file first, you win. EVERY TIME. Unless you happen to be trying to take back a stereo that you sold to some guy who then sold it to his neighbor. But hey, that’s just fair, right?

So I’ve now done one Commercial Paper essay (not as bad as I thought), attempted another (didn’t even understand the call of the question), one Secured Transactions essay (not bad), and a combined Commercial Paper/Secured Transactions essay (one call, not bad, one call OK, one call, a complete FAIL). I’ve also eaten a healthy lunch (pasta with red sauce and a salad), an Almond Snickers, finished off a thermos of coffee and half a Coke Zero, and I’m about ready to take a break. Except that I’ve been taking breaks all morning, and at some point in the next [oh GOD I am not even going to write the number here because it is TOO depressing] days, I have to figure out how I am going to get through 8 hours of essay writing WITHOUT breaks to check my feed reader or change my Facebook status.

In other words, stress usually makes me MORE focused except, apparently, when it comes to the bar exam, when it makes my brain go completely off the rails. I’ve never asked a doctor to examine me for adult ADD, but maybe I should have—I hear Adderall helps with this sort of thing?^[2] I guess I just have to plow back in. Which means I think I’m going to pull myself out of my sequestration—but leave my computer behind—and go read something like Trusts or Wills without the temptation of the internet.^[3]

1. I hear the lecturer and the mini review outline for these subjects in other states is not so bad, but in My State, the lecturer was NOT good and he wrote the mini review outline, so it’s not good either. This, my friends, blows. ↩
2. I’m really just kidding, MOM. I swear. Tempting though it is. ↩
3. Bonus: I will stop having to see my non-bar-preparing friends’ Facebook status messages that talk about getting margaritas after work or weekend trips away. I hate all of those people. ↩

People, you have GOT to STOP posting things about the new season of Project Runway! I cannot and I mean CAN NOT watch it until after the bar, and I would like to develop my OWN opinions on the designers and the challenges, and I CAN NOT do that when you are all jammering away about them!!!

‘k thx bai.

I’ve done about 150 mixed-difficulty MBE questions today, in between close reading of Con Law and Crim Law (oops, I forgot to read Crim Pro, got to do that tomorrow).

Here is how I feel:

more cat pictures

With two weeks left until the bar exam, I am in hyper-study mode. I’ve filled in the next six days on my calendar with a very unrealistic study schedule—three subjects a day, interspersed with mixed MBE practice and MBE subject essays!—and I’m sequestering myself from all human contact except with Mr. Angst and the bag-check people at the public library. (They are gonna love seeing me haul my giant Bar/Bri books out of here every day. Maybe if I wear my Bar/Bri ID around my neck they’ll just wave me on?^[1]) Oh, and we have a wedding to attend this weekend, too, but the groom and almost all of our mutual friends are lawyers, so if I huddle in a corner repeating “MY LEGS, MY LEGS, is the G for Goods or Guaranty? Is the S for Surety or Sale of goods?” over and over, they will all at least know what’s going on and maybe bring me a plate of food or a drink.

Note that I’ve only filled in the next six days and that I called my schedule unrealistic. I am not stupid, people. First, I left the remaining 8 days unscheduled so I can roll the subjects I don’t get to over into next week and weekend. And I know I’ll need the rollover because, hello! Three subjects a day? AS IF. However, if I can get the basics down as quickly as I hope I can, I plan to spend the second half of next week doing nothing but essay after essay after essay, breaking only for mixed sets of MBE questions. And maybe to eat some food.

In other words, I’m in cram mode. See you on the flip side.

1. And by the way, I know they gave us a handy lanyard to wear our IDs on, but folks, if you’re actually still wearing the thing, I should tell you that you look like a bit of a doof. It’s OK—we’re all under serious stress, after all—but you might consider just carrying it in your pocket or purse. ↩

Today, I’m looking at a snapshot of my life for the next (oh GOD) 24 days. To wit:

1. I am sitting on my couch in gym shorts, a law school t-shirt, and wet hair, having no energy or inclination to dress better or use a blowdryer.
2. I am reading an Evidence E&E in an attempt to better understand the hearsay exceptions, since I didn’t take Evidence in law school.^[1]
3. I am surrounded by flashcards.
4. I just ate a PB&J and five Oreos because that was the best I could come up with for lunch.

But for the fact that I’ll have to do these things out of the house for the next few weeks (the bonus of hiring a dog walker is that I feel the need to not be here when he shows up, meaning it’s an incentive to get the heck out of the house), I will probably be in exactly this position every day until the bar exam. I’ll just be in this position in the library or a coffeehouse or something.

1. The jury is still out on whether that was a bad call. ↩

So I’m in the middle of making more flashcards, and I am still liking this form of studying. What I am not liking is this thing called the Multistate Performance Test which appears to have taken up about six hours more of my Bar/Bri time (or would have, had I gone) than necessary.

Folks, it’s a CLOSED UNIVERSE EXERCISE. You read the file and the library, follow the instructions in the “task memo,” and write something down. You only get those 8 handwritten pages in which to do it (or 4600 words characters on the laptop), and you get 90 minutes—that’s an hour and a half. This, folks, is not hard stuff. Sure, practice is important, so Bar/Bri has thoughtfully given us a whole book of prior MPTs with which to practice this exercise. But it’s not something you can exactly TEACH or even learn. You just have to do it. Yet Bar/Bri spends 7 classroom hours on it.

That’s not to say that I would want OTHER Bar/Bri stuff to fill that space; but slicing a day or two off of Bar/Bri there at the end, when the remaining days are limited, would have been awesome.

Back to flashcards.

So, yeah, I was out of town yesterday. I hoped to spend my traveling time consolidating my Bar/Bri notes and maybe making some flashcards. But my flight out was delayed by two hours (two hours!), turning my two-and-a-half-hour stretch of downtime at my destination into . . . no downtime; I literally went from plane to train to taxi to appointment. And on the way back, it was the same in reverse order—appointment to taxi to train to plane. Oof.^[1]

All of this means I was VERY unproductive yesterday (I did get a bit done on the plane, but not as much as I hoped since I forgot to bring the set of notes I was in the middle of consolidating, leaving me to go over Con Law, which, frankly, was not the best use of my time). Today, I’m back to the grind, though having missed yesterday’s (apparently not very useful) Secured Transactions lecture, I’m feeling maybe a bit less overwhelmed than those who DID attend and were freaked out by it. I started to read the Mini Review outline and it was so awful that I decided to put it away and try the long outline before I attend the make-up lecture. (Ah, Sunday Bar/Bri. Joy.)

Right now, I’m busy making the Contracts flashcards I hoped to make yesterday; I really can only do so many before my hand turns into a claw and I have to stop to take a sip of wine, check my RSS feeds, refresh Facebook, or, you know, post something.

1. And of course, I was so stressed out while the delay was unfolding that I could not get any work done, though I started out well—I was typing away up until we got on the plane for the first time. After we had to get off the plane, though, I was not much up for studying, as I was completely freaked out about making it to my destination on time. Yeah, it was one of those delays . . . really vile, in fact, made worse by the fact that we were pulling away from the gate when someone’s mistake caused some mechanical damage, forcing us to pull back in, completely deplane, and wait for a new plane—a plane which was supposed to be someone else’s connection, so I feel bad that those people got delayed as well. ↩

I’ve begun making flashcards.

I like it already—I can see that this studying method is actually going to be really useful for me.

That is, if I can get my hand not to cramp up after writing out about twelve cards. I am beginning to dread how long this is going to take me.

So the fear finally sunk in. It’s probably because of the scam that is the Bar/Bri graded essay; I did NOT need to see that “2″ scrawled at the top of my essay, in which I did get two additional issues right, even if the grader thought I wasted time reiterating the rule about injunctions. (But, but, teacher TOLD us to write down the rule!! What do you mean that wastes time?? Teacher said we’d GET points for that!!)

So I’m definitely now a little freaked out, moody, and, oh yes, freaked out. Back to consolidating my notes on Contracts.

I swear, these Bar/Bri lecturers are some of the WEIRDEST people. Today was yet another “What the . . .” day. Even worse, it was full of insane amounts of repetition and weird voices. And I think we get two more days of this guy.

Finally, a Bar/Bri lecture that was useful, informative, and, frankly, bearable. After two days of “They almost never test this, but here’s the rule anyway,” we finally got a lecturer who gave us informed, frank estimates of how many questions on a given area we’d see on the bar exam—and then spent a proportionate amount of time talking about that given area.^[1]

This may make another Saturday morning lecture bearable. May.

1. It didn’t hurt that he sounded like my relatives, being from my Home State and all. I particularly enjoyed his use of the word “son.” Homey. ↩